One thing

One thing….

I was recently driving with my son and my niece Aria and the song that came on was Finger Eleven One Thing. I absolutely love this song so I immediately started singing. While I was singing my heart out I got to the part that goes:

“If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
just for one thing”

My niece Aria immediately says, “If I could trade it all for one thing it would be the ability to time travel”. Interested I had to know what her destination with time travel could possibly be. Aria’s time travel destination would be to the age of thirteen. Thirteen? Why thirteen? Aria believes at the age thirteen she will be able to do whatever she wants. Oh my goodness, her parents better buck up, her teenage years are gonna be interesting.

My son’s time travel destination would either be to the age of 16 so he
can drive a truck, or the age of 100 so he can experience what it is like to be an old man. He is obsessed with getting old.

Let me tell you it was hard to keep the car on the road I got laughing so hard at those time travel answers. Then the question came, “Auntie what would you want if you could have one thing?” That question really made me stop and think. What is one thing I have always wanted? What is something I would trade everything for?

In the thick of darkness before I was blessed with being a mom the one thing I wanted was to die. If you asked me when this song game out in the year 2003 what I wanted, my answer would be very different than the answer I have today nearing 2020. In 2003 I wanted the pain of being alive to stop. I wanted the thoughts that haunted me to go away. I couldn’t see any other option. I wanted out. I thought my life was over and I let so many valuable wasted years pass me by, because I didn’t embrace my failures. I added it all to my own very tragic story. I thought my book was one big long depressing story. A story no one would want to read. I didn’t know I could start a new chapter or start over completely fresh. I didn’t know I could write a different more positive book. I didn’t know that my ending could be a happy one. If I died today I would die happy. The biggest part of re writing my book is the ability to let go and let positivity flow.

The life I have created now and going in to 2020, is the best version of me. I am living my best self. I have battled so many demons and seen the depths of darkness. I have tasted death. I think back on all the accidents I have been in and all the stupid things I have done. All the things I did to harm myself and I think if I could time travel I would go back to being a teenager not because I would want to change anything but because that’s where my darkness started. I would hug teenage me. I would tell myself how much I love myself.

When I think of time travel I think of the movie 13 going on 30. Where she goes into the closet at a birthday party and wakes up 30, which was her birthday wish. I could probably recite every line of this movie. I have watched it that many times. I absolutely love the part where her boyfriend dances to Vanilla Ice Ice Baby! If you have not seen 13 going on 30 stop everything and watch it.
I always thought how cool it would be to be 30 when I was growing up it seemed so far away. I wonder what would I have learned if I could have skipped from being 13 right into being 30? What would I have thought about my life? On my 30th birthday I had just gotten the corgi puppy of my dreams. Oh Charles! I was in a messed up situation. I was doing fairly good and then darkness my old friend pulled me back in. Truth is 30 did me in. I started regretting my life thinking only of my failures. Turning 30 tested everything I had in me to give. I found out I was going to be a mom from a very unhealthy relationship, which ultimately left me to be a single mom. Becoming a single mom was my biggest fear. I was terrified I would fail as a mother. I think if I skipped from 13 to 30 I wouldn’t have wanted to grow up ha-ha.

Becoming a single mom has been by far the greatest accomplishment of my life. I have the most amazing son. Yes, sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out, but for the most part he is such a kind loving (old) soul and I am blessed to be his mom. I couldn’t be any more proud of our little family and all of our accomplishments. I cannot wait to see what our future holds but for right now we embrace and enjoy as much as we can of each day.

Now I am closer to 38 than anything and I do not hold any regrets. I am happy for how my life played out. I wouldn’t change anything or I wouldn’t be who I am today. I celebrate my darkness and embrace what it has taught me. I learn from my mistakes and I am going to rock the future. I am a force to be reckoned with. I love myself. I love my life.

Time travel is an amazing idea but don’t rush life. Enjoy the simple moments. Remember that bad times are just temporary and change is always an option. Learn to love yourself and everything in life becomes easier.