Month: April 2020

RUN…

I have always had a love of running. As a tall girl I have always been known for my legs. I started running in grade school and I won the 400 meters. I felt like I could take on the world. I knew with these legs I was born to be a runner.

In my early 20s when I broke my back and messed up my leg, my physical fitness slowed to non-existent. After having my son and struggling with sleep problems I thought I would start running again. I purchased a jogging stroller and we took off, corgi dog too. My son thought these runs were great fun. We would run towards the lake and back in what I can only be described as chaos. I am pretty sure running with a stroller and a corgi, stopping for water, snacks and the millions of things my son saw would have been hilarious to watch. Not only that but I am sure I looked like a giraffe on roller skates just going all out, legs everywhere. I apologize to anyone who witnessed that. With my injured back and leg, running on sidewalks started to take its toll and the pain was just too much to handle. I would be down and out for days with pain and limited mobility. I stopped running outside so we stuck to walking and we had way more fun! Funny how when you slow down you come to appreciate the adorable things your toddler finds or the crazy places your dog wants to discover.

I refused to give up on my goal of running. Going to the gym was out of the question for me I already didn’t have enough hours in the day. I am not as comfortable at the gym as I am at home. I packed on the weight and I struggled to stay on a path of positivity. I knew I needed to run!

At the time I lived in a quaint two bedroom apartment and space with an active boy was limited but I found the solution. An apartment sized, compact elliptical runner. I got the last one in stock so it was meant to be. I started running again. I ran five kilometers every morning and every night. I felt like I could run a marathon- an inside marathon on an elliptical of course ha. The low impact of the elliptical let me get my running out. I feel that when I run on the elliptical I get my run out and I don’t wanna run from things in life. Running has always helped me clear my mind and keeps me grounded on what to do next. Before I took up running I used to run in life but more so run away from life. I ran from relationships, weddings, and I even ran from where I lived. I ran from tough situations instead of dealing with them. When the going got tough I thought I could out run my problems. Spoiler alert you can run but your problems will follow.

When I moved to my house a few years back, well, I have moved the elliptical I think to every room. I run every now and again but I always fell behind. I dusted it off last week and set a goal. RUN! Run five kilometers every day. It’s a great way to stay fit and busy during the lock down of the current pandemic situation. I also wanna get my legs warmed up because biking season is upon us.

I started off each day taking a picture of the 5 kilometers completed. I made it 4 days in a row as if I was going to win the gold medal. Then on the fifth and what was to be the final run, I was running my heart out. My angry tunes were flowing through me. My legs were on fire. I thought I was gonna push past five and go further. What I didn’t know, because of the loud angry music, is that the machine was making a horrible sound. A bolt snapped and I went flying. I hit hard. That’s a long ways down for me. Tall girl problems (that and finding 38 inseam pants). The fall knocked the wind out of me and brought tears to my eyes. Good news I am okay!

I am thankful for my mister fix it son. He came running to me and said “Mom are you okay?” “Do you need me to get my tools?” This kid has a tool for everything he was able to help me take apart the machine figure out what I needed. I am thankful for the internet. I went online and searched the company. I found the user manual and it had the part number. I am thankful for e-mail. I shot off an e-mail and behold the part for the machine is still available and I was able to order it. I am now waiting on the shipping. I am told it will be a few weeks because of the Covid-19 everything shipping wise has slowed down. Gone are the days of overnight shipping and instant ordering. My legs are itching to get back running.

I am thankful for the weather warming up. I was able on a cool but sunny day get my bike out and do a practice run. With my son being 7 now, he is into biking. He biked 9km the other day. He’s gonna be joining me on long bike rides soon!

Keep fit. It’s amazing how much better you feel when you have some type of fitness. Get out enjoy the sights of nature. Walk, run, hit the gym or bike whatever your passion is. Do something you enjoy and that keeps your body going!

Let go….

Let go and let the positivity flow. This is a lesson I wish I had learned a long time ago. I was the queen of holding on. I wore this crown of negativity with great pride. I held on to the negativity like it was my security blanket. My happy place looked black and hopeless. I took every negative thing, that was ever said about me or to me, everywhere I went. I only focused on the bad, the mean and the down-right ugly parts of my life. I let the negativity destroy my life. I only envisioned the black hole of doom. I could only hear the negative remarks on repeat. Slowly, but surely driving me mad. I packed it around day after day, month after month and year after year, until I finally had enough. I broke free.

I saw the light of positivity and once I jumped in with both feet I haven’t looked back. I think I have changed every part of my life. Listen up, this didn’t happen overnight. It took years to believe my negativity, you can guarantee it has taken years to accept my positivity. It is a lifetime of a work always in progress. Always learning and always trying something new. I am not an expert. I am just doing my best. I am proof that anyone can change. You just have to want it. Anything is possible. If I can do, it then so can you!

I have gained many tools and coping techniques from a lot of different people on this journey. I have done my best to keep an open heart and mind to everyone’s recommendations. No matter how crazy the thought or idea were. Trust me I would have tried anything to kick this madness of living in negativity. Living in negativity only ends in one way. You give up and you no longer want to live. I tasted that. I almost died. I almost died before I got to experience the best parts of my life. Don’t give up. Your life is worth living.

It was not easy to rid myself of my negativity. To free myself of the things I held on for so long. I had a lot of negative things I carried around with me for so many years, some since childhood. I’m in my late 30’s working towards 40, so that’s a long time. When I can start a story with, 20 years ago, it’s been too long. LET GO. Get rid of the negative thoughts that have held you back. Learn to replace them with empowering positive thoughts.

I have said a lot of apologies to people who I know I hurt. I had to accept that I wouldn’t get an apology from everyone I felt wronged me. I had to accept that my life wasn’t perfect. I had to accept my failures as lessons learned. The fact that I tried, whether I failed or succeeded, made me who I am today. For this reason, no I would not change my life. Do I wish I would have done things differently? YES! Do I wish I had snapped out of my negative wasteful life sooner? HELL YES! Wanting, hoping and dreaming of changing the past is just down right crazy! It cannot be done so don’t waste your time trying to defend your past. Understand the lessons learned. Move forward, that’s the only way to go. Jump two feet into today and rock it. Know that you can start each morning over. So yesterday sucked? Big deal not every day can be the best freaking day ever. I still have days where I sit down and I think what the heck was that? But now instead of crying and sinking into the black hole of death, doom and woe is me crap. I sit down and I think wow I got through that day and usually I learned something. No, the days don’t always go as planned but I am not in charge of everything. I cannot control the world. Imagine if I could though. Oh, the blinged out, bejeweled crown I would wear. You would need sunglasses just to look at it. I am thankful when I have a bad day I have wonderful friends, family, coworkers and people in the community to turn to. I can take the Caddy out for a cruise pending the bad day happens between April and October. I can sit out on my deck looking at the lake and breathe and remember how freaking lucky I am.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Do something you love each day. Remind yourself how lucky you are to still be here. Make a list of all the things you need to let go and slowly but surely tackle that list. It could take a minute, an hour, a day, a month, a year or a lifetime. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. Just keep moving forward. Let go and let the positivity flow.

Overcoming fears….

As a child I developed a fear of snakes. How do they move so quick without legs? When I was just a little girl I crawled under my Oma’s (grandmas) porch to have a tea party with my doll when I saw a snake slithering towards me. I stood up to scream. I guess I forgot how tall I was and that I couldn’t stand up under the deck. I smashed my head and knocked myself out. When I woke up I had snakes on me and I was frozen in fear. Side note snakes local to where I live can NOT kill you so I wasn’t scared of that, I was just freaked right out. My Oma always had snakes at her house. I can remember pushing her in front of me to avoid snakes coming towards me. Yes, I am winning granddaughter of the year over here. I also had an incident with a water snake at our cottage. I swam to shore and thought I won. I was safe but, that little bugger came out of the water onto land and right up to the cottage. I was freaking terrified! My heart was just a going! Snakes always had a way of finding me and giving me an unnecessary fear.

My second fear, I would have to admit, is birds. Why do birds always fly into me? My brother convinced me when I was a kid that I had an abnormally large head. I became super self-conscious as a result. Before we had the internet I couldn’t google how big is the average sized head. Oh brothers, always gotta pick on the little sister. I had a duck bite me once at a park for no reason. I was minding my own business. We had a rooster on the farm who used to come down from the top of the barn wings flapping in my face. My aunt had birds as pets and she used to let fly around her house. Guess who they flew into? ME! Birds of all shapes and sizes always found me outside and flew right into my head. I was always watching the sky and dodging out of the way. What the heck birds?

I am happy to say I have overcome my fears of both these animals. I have held a snake and I didn’t die. I no longer run screaming from snakes. I breathe and I remind myself I can get through this. Birds don’t seem to fly into me so much anymore. They must have gotten the memo about me being in the flight path and they went up in altitude? My beautiful friend Anna has chickens and ducks as pets that you can snuggle. She invited my son and me over to meet her bird crew. I had a full on panic attack thinking about it but I knew my son wanted to go so I sucked it up and we went. My son wants chickens as pets. Anna has a chicken named Social, that if you call, comes right over and you can hold her. That was a first for us, but oh my goodness snugly chicken made our day. But wait there’s more. Then along comes Ducky the duck who is too cute, running full speed right towards me, had a lot to tell me, very vocal and ate out of my hand. I would say this was a bird win day. I remembered to breathe and I not only got through it I want a pet duck!

When my Oma was alive she always loved blue herons. She always seemed to see them and point them out. After her passing I find myself always seeing blue herons and I feel like it’s her way of saying hello. So when I see a blue heron I always say “Hi Oma”.

I feel like if I was a bird I would be a pink flamingo. The bird that is all legs just like me. My house is decorated with pink flamingos. They make me happy! I feel like the flamingo is my spirit animal. Obviously I googled the meaning of the pink flamingo being your spirit animal and it says: “may be a symbol for joy and fun. Seeing a flamingo can mean that you need to bring more fun into your life. Forgive yourself and get rid of all negative emotions. If the flamingo has appeared for you, it is the sign that you should live your life to the fullest.” Well that fits right in with my life!

I guess my biggest fear as an adult was to be alone. I always hated being alone. I always wanted to spend every second of the day with someone else. I didn’t know how to be alone. On the path to self-discovery I found out being alone and doing my own thing is refreshing. I have never enjoyed my life more than I do now. I know who I am, what I like and where I wanna go in life. I no longer live for anyone else. I live every day to the fullest. Like a pink flamingo, I have fun.

I am grateful for every day that I wake up. I try to be productive in making a difference in not only my life but the lives of those around me. I am blessed to have the most amazing group of friends, family, co-workers and community. When I am fearful I remind myself to breathe and this isn’t forever, I will get through this. I know that local snakes can’t hurt me. I know that birds can fly higher, but sometimes they choose me to say hello to me by flying into my averaged sized head. I know that being alone is a wonderful feeling. I know that I am safe and protected. I slow down and enjoy my life.

Know that if you feel fearful, you can reach out. It’s okay to ask for help. Especially in the ever fast changing times of Covid-19 everyone seems fearful. I am always here for you! Reach out and tell me your fears. I love you all! Stay safe and healthy! Wash your hands!

Podcasts….

I first came across podcasts when I was struggling to sleep. Years ago I was diagnosed with sleep paralysis. I dream the same terrifying dream on repeat year after year. My dream is a terrifying life event. It’s a dream that feels so real to me. In my dream I am fighting for my life. I wake up in a haze of confusion arms and legs swinging thinking I am fighting for my life. I have broken many things in the night because of this terror. I have tried many things to sleep and yet years have passed and I still fight to sleep. My brother told me about a podcast he listens to at night to help him sleep and I thought well it can’t hurt. I downloaded an app to listen to podcasts on my phone because it has an app for everything. I started listening to the podcast called “sleep with me” this guy meanders on and on about nothing and everything in the most lulling voice. It’s helped me drift off and at first I thought it was going to work. I thought I was going to sleep but then as always, BAM, hello haunting dream. I still enjoying putting this podcast on if nothing else it turns off my thoughts and lets me drift. If you haven’t checked out “sleep with me” and you like to listen to something before or while falling asleep this guy has a sleepy way with words.

I start listening to a podcast series when I was out for a walk with my beloved dog Charleston. Sometimes our walks would last for hours as we would be lost in nature enjoying the beautiful days down by the lake. I found a podcast to capture my attention when I came across a series of weekly podcasts in investigative journalism. A series called “Serial” the first season was about the trial and conviction of Adnan Syed a teenager who was accused and sentenced to life in prison plus 30 years for killing his high school girlfriend. This podcast had me fired up about this trial and the evidence. I originally went to school for corrections with a hope of getting into a fight for justice for those wrongfully convicted. I absolutely love cases of wrongful convictions or stories of those who spend years on the inside but were innocent. In college I worked with a program providing family counseling in prison and it was a huge eye opener as to what it’s like to be in prison. If you love true crime and podcasts I highly recommend tuning in to “Serial”. What do you think about the case? Is he innocent?

After the “sleep with me” podcast and the fire me up trail presented by “Serial” I was searching for another podcast but this time I wanted something with a more positive vibe. I have to admit at this time I didn’t really know what a life coach was. I don’t remember exactly how I came to find the mortality mindset podcast with Patrick Mathieu. I am beyond excited that I found this podcast because this is the podcast that forever changed my life. I started listening in again on my walks with my beloved dog Charleston and I still listen in on my walks with Queen Kelsey dog. I have to say I was immediately sucked in from the first episode I couldn’t stop listening. Patrick has a calming voice and he grabs your attention and almost shakes you with his questions. He got me fired up in a different kind of way. He fired me up as in, I could do this too. He has an extraordinary story to share and a powerful message. He was born with a one of a kind heart that no one can figure out. He has seen many medical professionals in his lifetime. His heart is a one of a kind heart no one understands how it works. Patrick was given his expiry date. Imagine if you knew when you were going to die? He was told when he would die. He didn’t give up, he got up and he challenged what the medical professionals said. He fought, he conquered and he’s a huge inspiration to so many people. He has lived long past his expiry date. I highly recommend listening to this podcast. It’s a game changer. He will challenge how you think.

After the first listen, I had to google Patrick and find out more. I found out not only was he a life coach but he was training other people to be life coaches. I stalked that page until I saw he was coming to Kingston, Ontario. I hummed and hawed at the idea of being a life coach. I didn’t sign up until the last possible moment. Remember I like to plan but not to do it, but I did do this. I was joined in that class by three other amazing women and it will forever be a weekend to remember. From listening to a podcast to now becoming a life coach, making my own website, blogging and many more things along the way. Heck yes I AM DOING IT!

Thank you Patrick for continuing to make the podcast that forever changed my life. I would be lying if I said it was just the podcast. Check out his book and his online learning. Google him you will be amazed like I was and still am!

As I finished writing this blog I was completing another amazing course created by Patrick. I just completed his “how to be a better person” online course and the certificate hangs on my vision wall as a constant reminder of all the amazing things I have completed and the extraordinary things I am still working on. Stay tuned always more to come from me.

As always if you have a podcast recommendation reach out and share it with me. I love hearing from you all!