Month: November 2024

Two years ago, while working my first remote job, I met a coworker who was going to see a concert. She linked me to a song called “Something in the Orange.” She swore the guy who sang this song had the best voice EVER. I love a good voice, so I googled this good-voiced guy. His name is Zach Bryan, and I immediately thought, “Oh, heck no, he sings country. Hard pass.”

As a girl who lives for heavy metal music, I have never been able to get into any country songs. I love to scream my lyrics it’s how I process my feelings. Play angry music until you’re no longer angry. It is a theory that has never let me down. Angry music heals all the parts of me that in a moment feel broken. I always thought country music sounded depressed and the last thing I wanted to feel was more depression after listening to music. It is supposed to take away my sadness and not add to it.

Being kind to this new coworker, I did enjoy working with her, she brought light and laughter to each day. I did listen to the song and OH MY GOODNESS she was right his voice blew me away. I became obsessed and had to hear all of his music. Everyone who knows me is sick of hearing Zach Bryan, my son immediately puts in his earbuds. Everyone thinks I am being drugged how could I love this country music? What is wrong with me? What happened to the heavy metal gal? Even I am not sure it is just something about his voice I am so in love with him. I am so jealous she got to see him live. I have been stalking his tour and trying to get tickets, but they are sold out or crazy-priced. I am not giving up I will make this dream come true. I still love my heavy music, but I am trying to keep an open mind to all types of music. Good lyrics hit the heart hard.

The title of this blog is a line from his song called All the Time. I found it during my last breakup and played it on repeat, never getting sick of it. Are you also a weirdo who can listen to and sing through a song till you feel better? I think this is now one of my favourite songs as it reminds me that love should be patient, kind, and if it isn’t then it is time to get out. We do not have to be a part of anything we do not want to be. Life is short and you should make it as freaking amazing as possible. I refuse to entertain anything that causes me stress, worry, or overthinking. I have had enough of those feelings to last a lifetime.  I feel like in my last relationship no matter what I did I was always losing my mind. I refuse to go fight that battle. I have lived by the quote “It is better to be alone and happy than with someone and unhappy.” Sometimes it takes me a while to get there but when I am done, I am done. I love being alone. I did years of self-work to love myself. Before I started my journey of self love I looked for love in all the wrong places I admit that I just so badly wanted to be loved. Life is way too short and each day I am grateful to still be here on my journey if you are with me on this journey, it is because I think you are awesome! The people in my life surround me with love and keep me calm. I am grateful for my people. I believe that not everyone is meant to be on your journey. Some people come into our lives for a chapter and some stay for a lifetime. Each chapter teaches us valuable lessons.

I wouldn’t say I gave up on love I have always wanted my happily ever after, but the search was exhausting and the quality I couldn’t find. I always wanted to be married and not have kids. I had a kid, and I never got married, life never goes as planned but I am glad mine unfolded just as it was supposed to. I am not religious, but I am spiritual, and I think my angels are guiding me where I belong. I joked with my Opa before he passed that when he got to the other side make sure you find the man on earth I am meant to be with and throw him in my pathway.

My friends and family who have met my boyfriend all ask me what he is drugging me with? I have never loved anyone like I love this man. If he is drugging me let him this is the happiest I have ever been. I have never had such a smooth sailing experience. This love is patient, this love is kind, and oddly enough he hasn’t made me lose my mind.

I used to listen to this song to heal my heart. I dreamed that this easy kind of love would find me. Now I smile when this song comes on and think I have that kind of love. Yes, I still sing the song at the top of my lungs, but it hits me differently.

Fill yourself with self-love and keep an open mind. Work through what you are going through and never give up. Put out to the world what you want, and it will happen, probably when you least expect it that is when it happened for me.

For many years now I have been working on myself to make the best version of myself. I started writing to express myself and send simple helpful messages to others. I think the most important thing I have learned along this journey is the power of my words. I have used my words for both good and evil. I am not proud of some of the things I have said or done. But what is done I cannot change, however, I can learn, grow, and not make the same mistakes. I have no regrets because I am where I am today and I am thankful for my life.

For the last year, I stopped writing because I was struggling and I didn’t feel inspired anymore. While I was cleaning out the contents of my father’s house I found a couple of very angry letters I had written to him and it broke my heart that he kept them. In a moment of anger, I wanted to destroy him. It is one thing to say something mean you can come to forget that over time but the words on that paper, I wonder how many times he read that letter? How many years did he think I felt like that? I regret the many times over the years we didn’t talk. I was a very angry person. We are all doing the best we can with what we have and I wished I knew that wisdom then. I wish I never wrote those letters or at least burned them instead of mailing them to him. I had forgotten what I wrote in those as the years went on. I had a complicated but best-case-scenario relationship with my father. It wasn’t perfect but we made it work the best we could. I didn’t know my dad was doing his best with the skills and abilities he had. He was not prepared for me.

I wish that my dad would have thrown those letters out. It hurts my heart to think he read those more than once. Many years later he could still relive my moment of anger that I had long forgotten about. I never cooled down. I wrote that letter, I filled out the envelope and I walked it to the post office. I wrote in the heat of the moment. I should have calmed down. I should have ripped up that letter or in today’s times deleted that email or online post.

I still write letters I guess I am a bit old-fashioned but my letters come from a much kinder and understanding place. If I write something mean I set that free burn those words delete those emails or simply don’t reply you don’t have to engage.

In a moment of anger let it go. I have now learned kinder and healthier ways of dealing with the anger that I feel. I want to use my words now more to leave kind and loving marks on the world. I think as a younger me I didn’t know how to love myself and appreciate all the good around me I got stuck in the negative and blame. I let what others thought of me eat me alive. I didn’t take time to cool down or sleep on a thought before writing out how I felt. I had red-light rage and I said what was on my mind. It wasn’t always a good thing to do but I felt better getting the mean feelings off my chest. I approach my anger from the other side now and try to put myself in the shoes of the person reading the words. Yes, it is okay to be upset and angry these are natural emotions but you can express how you feel still calmly and from a place of love. You will have a much better chance of solving things calmly than screaming at the top of your lungs. I do not wish to be involved in anything that makes me so upset I have to yell to feel I have gotten my point across. Yelling makes you lose your voice for a reason the natural way to shush you.

Calm down, let it go, and ask yourself is it worth writing?

What are some healthy ways you deal with anger?

I have come to love quiet time in a world that never is silent I need silence. I used to be scared to be alone in silence but it is one of the best times of my day. I love to meditate, do yoga, read a book, walk in nature, look at art, colour, paint, create, and just lay still for a couple of minutes and observe my breath. I ask for a few minutes each day that belong just to me. I need to let things go in those moments. Healing time.

Control your breathing, control your mind, and control your words.

Never let a moment of written anger haunt you for the rest of your life or someone else’s life. Use your words in calm, kind, and loving ways. Do your best!

If you know me, you know I love pumpkin- everything! As soon as October hits, I am drinking all things pumpkin, all the smells in my house become pumpkin, and my favorite thing about Halloween is carving pumpkins. I am thankful this year that Starbucks made a pumpkin chai I lost a lot of money on that deal but if you got to watch me sip that delightful beverage and dance a little you know. When I love something, I am eating or drinking I start to dance I think my happy heart can’t help but show it.

We usually have a fall family tradition of going on the last caddy cruise to a family friend’s pumpkin patch and filling the car with pumpkins. I typically carve and try to beat my previous year’s record for how many pumpkins I can get to eat other pumpkins. We usually end up with a large selection of pumpkins to fill the caddy trunk at a friends and family discount.

This year was a bit different; it was sad at first, but life is forever changing. Last season my dad was in the hospital, but my son and I still did the caddy cruised and got the pumpkins we both agreed it was weird without Papa. My dad has since moved to a care home and I sold the beloved caddy (I don’t want to talk about it, still heartbroken) she was too much work for me to upkeep and too heartbreaking it was a love we shared. I admit looking over and not seeing my dad as my co-pilot broke my heart.

This year Halloween crept up on us and we found ourselves the night before rushing to buy and carve pumpkins; we didn’t get to the family friend’s place sorry! We did donate to a good cause and carve some pretty cool-looking pumpkins. I forgot to mention to my boyfriend I am competitive in creating the best pumpkin. I couldn’t find smaller pumpkins, so I had to change my carving idea, and I was a bit devastated. I was left last minute searching for what to do and I didn’t love it.

This year for Halloween my son went as my brother’s best friend who is a mechanic that he adores. Both scary and heartwarming. He said he wasn’t going to go out because his tradition is to go with his cousin who is away this year. He changed his mind last minute and came home with a huge haul of candy which I have been taxing heavily. If you parent tax, you know what I mean! I convinced Dan when he was little that he wouldn’t like Cheetos and that peanut butter cups were too spicy! I am that mom.

While I miss the old family fall traditions, I look forward to the new ones we are creating. While Dan was collecting candy I watched the second most bizarre movie of my life. My boyfriend’s tradition is to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show. I am trying to incorporate him into our family, so I appreciated he carved and shared laughs creating pumpkins. I stared at him with a confused look trying to understand why so many people enjoy this movie. I can’t wait to watch it next year. Does it ever make more sense? When do I stop singing the catchy songs? I did love that meatloaf is in the movie.

When I think of why I love the fall season it is because the sights with all the leaves changing beautiful colours delight my soul. Everywhere you look it is so pretty. The fall drives take my breath away. For 25 years my dad and I always took a caddy cruise to take in the colour changes. I will forever hold those memories close to my heart. This year while not planned for a fall cruise I ended up taking a fall tour caddy route in my Jetta while not as nice of a car the views were amazing. My boyfriend was my co-pilot who like my dad was telling me such rich history about where we were driving and as the old memories and new memories flooded me, I had such a full heart.

Halloween is still one of my favourite times, while I dislike being scared, I love pumpkin carving, eating mini candies, and making memories. As my doorbell rang each time with more kids, I ran to see what they were. I live in a small community on a dead-end street, so I appreciate those who put in the effort to stop by. You all made my night!

While the summer heat is what I crave the fall colours will forever be one of my favourtie sights. I look forward to fall and the traditions of October while they have changed, I am making the decision to put away my sad caddy tears and instead be thankful that I shared 25 years of fall cruises. To embrace the change and be thankful for those who come to carve pumpkins, sing songs, and eat cupcakes. I am thankful for the memories I have created and the ones still to come. This year while the tradition changed my heart was still full. We created such wonderful memories. You choose how to deal with the day. I could have skipped the fall traditions and just been sad trust me I kind of wanted to. I didn’t think it would be the same and I was right, it wasn’t the same, but it was everything I needed. I did my best and I made it the best it could be.

My son also learned the lesson that when tradition changes and when you are sad cousin isn’t here for Halloween you could sulk and have no fun or you could slap a costume together and go out with friends, start a new tradition, and get me my spicy peanut butter cups!

For a moment we wanted to skip I love that we both made it the best it could be. Do your best!