Author: sascha

Each and every day I pause to remind myself who and what makes me thankful and grateful. These last few years have been challenging as my family has become smaller. I lost my Opa, my cousin Tessa and I had to put my dad in a home. Each left a hole in my heart that I still struggle to fill. Letting go of my people sits heavy.

My dad’s mental health journey has tested my mental health in ways I never knew existed. Putting him in a home and parting with his belongings hurt my heart. I still question if I made the right decisions even though I know in my heart I did. I always dreamed of what it would be like when Papa retired. The boy and I had many fun plans dreamed up. While I am grateful my dad is alive I am saddened by his quality of life. I live for the small moments during our visits where I can see the man who used to sit beside me on fun road trips. The glimpse of the dad I once knew. The happiest passenger in a Caddy! We struggled our whole lives to build a relationship, we both didn’t always agree on each other’s decisions but at the end of the day he is my dad and I did my best to have a relationship with him. I am thankful he still knows who I am and no matter the day he always hugs me and tells me he loves me I will never be ready for the day I no longer have that.

This year for Thanksgiving I didn’t see any of my actual family. Everyone had different plans. We ended up going to see the in-laws for an amazing country day that filled our hearts and stomachs. As I sat around the table I am so thankful for my new family, for the laughter, good food, and never ending views.

With each year that I age I am more and more grateful for those who love and support me and those who gather for meals. This started with my grandparents and I hope it continues long after I am a grandma.

I tried to show my thanks and how grateful I am for my people when wedding planning. Weddings are labled the brides day but I wanted to share how grateful I am for each and everyone who showed up. 

When I wrote my vows I think it summed up my thankful heart. I started my vows by making a joke at my sister Shelly. I adore my sister and I couldn’t imagine life without her. When I was a single mom she was right there with me figuring it out, when I needed help with dad she never complained she always showed up. She planned the funnest bachelorette party with our other sissy Sarah and it was the perfect day. I am thankful for the years we have been sisters. I laughed when she tried to help me write my vows to be fair I was behind. I had an idea of what I wanted to write. I just had not yet sat down to write. We may have had a few drinks when she attempted to help me. She kept writing Dear Allan and then she didn’t know what to write so when I sat down to write without thinking I wrote Dear Allan and started to laugh. They went from tears of laughter, tears of sadness to tears of my heart not being able to contain the love I feel. I will share with you the vows I wrote and said without messing up!  Some of the things I said only my husband would understand and I knew they would make him smile.

“Dear Allan (I just want to admit Shelly helped me write that part of my vows but the rest is from my heart)

You are my unicorn, the same brand weird, my soft place to land and I have never felt so secure and more at home as I am with you. I am able to fully be myself when we’re together. I appreciate all the time you put into our relationship. I love you soy much!

I grew up watching my Opa and Gran overcome and build what I think was the most amazing and cutest love story. They embraced all that came their way with open honest communication and they never gave up on each other; they always worked things out. This was always something I wanted and something I never found in another person until you came into my life. My Opa always told me looks fade but personality and the way someone treats you is forever. I have always been terrified of spending forever with the wrong person but with you I am confident and I know I am making the right decision. I happily take you as my forever.

The way you not only added to my life but the way you bonded with D and have become BOYS! warm my heart to a level I never knew existed. You came into our little family like you always belonged. You didn’t just get my heart, you got Dans too.

Thank you for refinding me! I am still shocked after all this time that my person is Allan, Allan from PA who would have known! Our lives crossed paths so many times over the years from childhood into adulthood and I whole heartedly agree that this is our time and we are making our dreams come true. I can’t wait to spend forever with you as my husband. To always communicate openly and honestly to never stop learning and growing with you. To always hold hands through whatever comes our way together. I know with you no matter what life throws at us we can figure it out together. I choose you today and every day forward in every lifetime. Here’s to all the memories we’re going to create hand in hand.

We the Davis’ are excited to become the Mitchell family.”

I am thankful for all the years as a Davis and I am excited to experience the next years as a Mitchell. I am thankful for my son who always signs up for the next adventure with me. I am thankful for my family and friends standing beside me throughout my life. I am thankful for my new family who just feel like they have always been family. I am thankful for all the heartbreaks and lessons learned to make me into the wife I always wanted to be. I am thankful for good health and my memories. I am thankful each and every day I am given to live my purpose. I am thankful for the small moments each day that allowed me to reflect on how thankful and grateful I am to be living this life. Thank you all for being a part of this journey!

 

Last Tuesday, September 30th, I had my wedding day, which people have described as the best day ever.

Since I was a child, I always dreamed of my wedding, and this was just as I had dreamed, only this dream came true later in life, when I least expected it. I have been engaged many times in life. I love hard. I have planned a wedding or two, and I never show up. In this life, I could have been married and divorced many time but in my heart it never felt right. I had this overwhelming feeling by thirty that I had met my husband, but I messed it up. I could never explain this feeling, it just sat heavy in my heart. I met and worked with Allan almost 20 years ago (before I was thirty). He reached out and I never would have expected that a message last summer would have me married. How quickly life can change. I was happy to have found my person but heartbroken that my dad and my Opa would not be there to walk me down the aisle.

We planned our wedding doing our best to honour those who couldn’t attend. September 30 is my dad’s birthday, and it just so happened to fall on a Tuesday. I was born on a Tuesday and married on a Tuesday. We contacted a few places trying to coordinate this special day, but we were not having any luck until the perfect place agreed, and I knew in my heart it was meant to be. Life has always had a funny way of working out perfectly when I least expect it. I got married at Kinsip, a distillery that backs onto my grandparent’s farm. We immediately thought that we should have someone in our family marry us. Family is everything to us. This turned out to legally be harder than we thought. This again worked out perfectly. My Gran knew a gal from a horse group who is an officiant, and from the moment we met her it was like a family member marrying us. She fit it just like she belonged, like she was family. We had two ceremonies in the same hour. One legal and one by a loved one, both with views of a red barn. We were legally married at my grandparent’s farm, something my Opa always talked about and something I had dreamed about my whole life. Cue the waterproof mascara. I framed a picture of my Opa and brought him with me throughout the day. I can be seen in front of the red barn in a pretty dress, full on ugly girl crying because I know you would have loved the day. Opa I could see and feel the smile you would have added to the day. I know you were right there with me. I could feel it, and I picked up on the signs you left me.

We left the farm in a bright yellow VW bus, thank-you Westy Wine Tours. We made the short drive around the block, but all three of us my son included, can agree that was one cool bus. We arrived to twenty-two of our favourite people. We were married by my mother- in-law in the cutest ceremony filled with loving words and hugs. We were married in front of their red barn, and yes, the farm does have a peacock. I was terrified to read my vows. I love to write, but I have never been a fan of reading out loud. When I sat down to write my vows, I knew I had to include my grandparents they are the reason I believe in love. I had to read those pages several times in order to stop crying, but I felt like I tied in what it was like growing up watching, waiting, dreaming and finally getting to experience it for myself. I have never been loved the way my husband loves me.

I added my grandmas and my cousin Tessa who have passed and who I know would have loved the day into my flowers. My grandma Davis (my dad’s mom) always had marigolds, and my dad always planted them every year and I have kept that tradation going. For Grandma Davis, I added marigolds. My Oma (my mom’s mom) forget-me-nots were always something she loved and my something blue. For Oma, I added forget-me-nots. Tessa loved lilacs, and while I couldn’t find purple ones, I did find white bridal ones. For Tessa, I added lilacs. I had the flowers facing my heart, and on the front of the bouquet I had three little pictures of the girls coming down the aisle, and all around the wedding, I know you ladies would have loved the day.

While I did my best to honour those who have passed, I also had tears looking out at our guests, to my family and friends who showed up for me, who have always been there for me through it all. I have lived a life! I am honoured and thankful for my new family and friends that blending our lives has given us. While I have lost a few, I have gained some of the best people, and my heart has never felt this full.

Thank-you to everyone who helped make our dreams come true with the best day ever. Thank-you to my mom for all the dress alterations and the amazing decor set up and take down. Mom, you honestly should be in the wedding business. Thank-you to my mother-in-law for marrying us and making the most beautiful and delicious cake, with each of us getting to pick our own flavour layer, it was perfect. Thank-you to my brother Jesse for capturing gorgeous pictures and admitting that even he loved the wedding. Thank-you to my stepsisters Sarah and Shelly for the bachelorette party of my dreams, for coming to the hotel and helping me get ready the hair was perfect, for all the pictures, the rides, also for all the years we didn’t have to be sisters but we chose to stay together, I love you girls! Thank-you Auntie Kirsten, for helping me into the dress and not melting down when it wasn’t done up right, for help setting up, taking down and recommending the whiskey sour. Thank-you Gran, for being my biggest role model when it comes to love, for allowing me to live out my kid dream and be married on the farm, for always knowing an officiant and a witness or two, for holding the Opa picture and always knowing what to say. Thank you to my son who held my hand all day. When I cried that I didn’t have my dad or my Opa to walk me down the aisle, without a moments hesitation he said, mom you got me. He looked so grown up in his navy blue suit walking me down the aisle not to give me away but to join in becoming a Mitchell, it was perfect.

Our day, while it was loosely what I dreamed as a child, it was everything that we are now as adults. It was no stress, no pressure besides the public speaking, but even that went smoothly. It was on a farm with the people we love. Great food, Bike Mike’s BBQ, you outdid yourselves. A simple bonfire with marshmallows, excellent drinks, and even better company. It is true that the day goes by in a blink of an eye, but the memories we will keep in our hearts forever. As I look at my wedding ring, I know this is exactly where life was taking me.

I am in the process of changing my last name, something I said I would never do. Never say never, because it could always happen. I hope I never win the lotto ha. I have spent my whole life being a Davis, and I feel like I will continue writing under Davis because this gift given to me, the gift of stories, is from my dad. I hope to get back into the Tuesday writing flow!

I curse and thank my former co-worker friend who introduced me to diamond painting. It’s like paint by number, but with shiny diamonds and this one has swear words. My first diamond painting was a flamingo gifted to me for my flamingo wall, which I love.

Diamonds and swear words are some of favourite things. I needed a winter calmness project and a reminder to let things go. This year has forced me to face my past more than I ever wanted. I have had to catch myself a million times reminding myself to care less and saying that it is the past let that shit go. You cannot change the past you can only plan for a better future. In moments when I felt overwhelmed and that my plate was too full, I cranked my tunes and diamond painted. Tune out the stress and calm down. I have always struggled with feeling cooped up in the winter season. Working from home and visiting my dad’s nursing home has taken an extra toll on my mental health. Adulting has left me little time to see my friends and fill my soul. Never enough hours in the day!

I have to remind myself to take time for myself and with each decision I have been forced to make that affects others to let that shit go. I remind myself I am doing my best and if my best isn’t good enough FUCK IT! I have had my dad’s whole life to figure out and my son’s biological father made a quick appearance in his life which forced me to face a hard part of my past and I had to make a million decisions. Between my overthinking and lack of sleep, I need projects to distract me. I laugh thinking I am amazing at problem solving if the problems aren’t mine. I see so much clearly when my heart isn’t involved.

Life has hard chapters, and I hope this one for me ends soon. I dislike making decisions for others as it causes me stress and heartache. I thank my friends and family who have supported me. Those who have listened to me cry. I am thankful for all the love, support, kind words, and recommendations!

I am thankful for my loud music that calms my soul and for swearing diamond painting that took me months but I completed it and I love it! Now I have to frame and find the perfect place to hang this picture, somewhere that this is a daily reminder to me.

I think I am going to have to find a third masterpiece as the winter keeps dragging on. I found this beauty on Amazon if you want to join me in diamond painting. Shine like a diamond and remember you are one of a kind.

In moments that you need calmness and grounding how do you calm yourself?

 

It has been one thousand and ninety-five days since you left us. As I stare at those words it doesn’t feel real. These have been the quietest most challenging days.

You were my Opa, my best friend and my role model. We talked everyday sometimes more than once, and I never knew how much I needed that in my life until you were gone. You inspired me and always made me feel like I could do anything. My biggest cheerleader, no one ever believed in me like you did. I have felt lost since you left.

I know that heaven has some of my favourite people and from the other side you keep cheering me on. I still talk out loud and try to keep you in the loop. I wonder what you would think of all the changes in my life. I wonder if you would finally have liked a boyfriend I brought home. When we were doing some things around the farm, I could only imagine the smile you would have had on your face and the coffee break chat we would have had. I was never lucky in love, and you hugged me a lot over dumb broken heart moments. I always wanted the love you shared with Gran. We had so many funny laughing moments over my struggles with love. I told you when you get to heaven find my man and throw him into my path. Thanks for doing that, I know you still have a big part in the way my life goes. I picture you sipping coffee and laughing like we always did over chats. I laugh thinking of how I didn’t want my love story to be someone swiping online and how hard it was for you to grasp the world of online dating. Oh how the times changed in your 87 years.  I loved when you used to tell me about how you found the love of your life. You made me always believe in a higher standard of love. You showed me a level of love I never knew existed. I now feel that level of love you used to tell me about. I swear if this isn’t it then I am collecting dogs forever! We used to laugh about that and no matter how many time my heart got broken you promised I would find my forever love I just wish you were here to celebrate with me.

You always listened you never judged me. You surrounded me with love and always wanted me to have the greatest life. You helped me create this amazing life for my son. You picked me more than once and helped me more times than I can count. You taught me how important family and friends are and friends who become family. You always answered my call no matter how big or small or what I needed to talk about you were there. I knew one day the line would go quiet, but I never knew how much the quiet could hurt.

I laugh at every psychic medium I have seen since you passed and how you are the first person to come through with a message.  I picture you running to the front of the line, you always had lots to talk about. While I know you are here, and I see the signs it is not the same, but I hope you guide me through the hard times and celebrate the good times. I wonder what you would say about the struggles with my dad’s health. I wonder what you would say about the changes I made to my work life. I wonder what you would say about the gentleman your grandson has grown into. I wonder what you would say about my recent reno disaster. I wonder what you would think of my white tent event.

We would have so many things to catch up with you on from the last one thousand and ninety-five days. Most importantly know how much you are loved and will forever be apart of all my days. I miss your laugh, your smile and your loving words. You may be gone but you will forever live on through those you left behind. I love you Opa.

Hello 2025!

Do you set New Year’s resolutions? Do you believe in the new year new me theory? Do you have any New Year’s traditions?

I have shared a tradition with my Gran for the last few years where we meet up for lunch and a coffee to end the year with my favourite person always makes the year seem complete. I don’t think Gran will ever know how much I love and appreciate this tradition. We talk about the past year and the one coming up. All the things that happened and all the things that we want to do. Thank you for always being my person. I know each and every year I got this because you forever answer my calls and meet me for lunch chats!

Last year, I rang in 2024 at a concert, singing my heart out until I lost my voice. It was the best New Year’s I have ever celebrated with my tall giraffe friend, and it is a memory I will forever cherish. It was the most fun New Year’s, but one of the hardest chapters of my life. 2024 challenged me in ways I didn’t know I needed to learn and grow. 2024 took my voice away and made me really think about what I wanted for my life. 2024 showed me that life can change in an instant and that every day is a gift. 2024 forever shifted the way I think about life moving forward.

For New Year’s 2025 I had a glass of champagne at home with my boyfriend and my son. No, my son didn’t drink champagne he had a fancy lemon drink. We stayed up late and we watched the ball drop at midnight in Time Square with a bunch of live musicians and yes, I sang along to every song. 2025 started out simple and easy the theme I am trying to set for 2025. We sat and talked about all the things we did in 2024, and we looked forward to what we want to do in 2025. We shared so many laughs and moments of love my heart is so full. In moments where I slow down and cherish the people who give me the greatest memories, I am blessed and surrounded by love. I appreciate my life.

Last weekend brought on a “champagne birthday” for my son 12 years old on the 12th and we lived it up! I do my best to make all his little kid dreams come true. At a table of almost the whole family minus those on a sailboat and a farmer, we had a meal that would have made my Opa smile. He loved a family gathering.  I have always let my son skip school for his birthday and I have tried to create the best memories for his special day. He skipped school, we visited friends, and he helped me purchase skates.

My son has wanted me to go skating since he learned many years ago. I have always been scared to skate or more so to fall.  In my early 20s I broke my back.  I never want my child to think like that, to be scared to do something, so he helped me through my fear. He reminds me we can do anything.  Holding his hand, I conquered my fear of skating and falling. With the snow lightly falling on a perfect winter day, and while I am sure I looked like a giraffe on skates I did it! I skated for an hour with laughter and fun memories I know my son will always cherish. I told him about my memories when I skated as a kid with my mom, aunt, and Oma. They were all pro skaters and could do fancy figure skating moves. My auntie says that she still can, so we are all waiting to see the triple lutz. Dust off them skates quickly before the ice is gone auntie.

2025 I know what I want to accomplish. I have decided I only live once and I am going after what I want to accomplish.  Stay tuned, I have a feeling it is going to be a heck of a year.

 

 

We were not ready for this day!

Kelso the corgi you came to us as a senior and you ran our lives for almost 5 years. Our lives will not be the same without you. Thank you for the memories, adventures, laughs, love, and all the lives you touched along the way.

Christmas will be strange without you. The way you used to bite us when we sang Happy Holidays. We never found out why you hated the word happy or bit us for saying it. It was shocking but caused us so many laughs. We used to call Kelso the happy police. She was a complicated old soul. We would have to put her outside or go far away when we wanted to sing Happy songs. The first time we sang Happy Birthday before we knew that you hated the word happy and that you would bite us was shocking. I captured this moment on video and we will laugh at it forever! My entire family whispered or spelled happy which you eventually caught onto. We were warned about your uniqueness. Kelso was a tiny girl but she had a giant personality. You girl kept us in line. We always joked that we lived with you and not that you lived with us. You wore the Queen name tag because you knew you were in charge. Kelso was the Queen of our lives. Our house seems far too quiet and we are lost without you. Doggos never live long enough but we are grateful for all the laughs and memories she shared with our family.

For the last 12—almost 13 years, I have had a corgi. It started with my heart dog Charleston, and the day he passed away, Dan found Kelsey online by accident, and the story was too wild. She was posted on a rescue site and was the only Corgi in Canada online, oddly within an hour’s drive. I was not ready to have another dog but Dan wanted to meet this sweet girl, he was drawn to her. The lady fostering her said she was not good with other dogs, she bites and was not tested with kids or cats. She said many other people had come to meet her but she did not take to them and she believed that dogs picked their owners. We agreed to just meet her and well from the moment she met Dan she sat on him and would not move. We later found out that her previous owner was an old man named Dan. Now she was going to have a young man Dan. Dan was so sweet to his dog, it was the perfect bond. She loved him and would only listen to him. On her last night when he pat her she lit up. I held her paw and thanked her for being such a sweet girl. I hope we gave her the retirement years of her dreams! We promised to rescue her and give her the best remaining years we could. I think Dan accomplished that. We called her Kelso instead of the name Kelsey she came with, Kelso seemed to fit her more. We gave her all the love and she is forever here watching over us.  Forever the Queen of our hearts. We loved you so much sweet girl rest easy.

I hold my memories close to my heart. I treasure both the good memories and bad memories. I am thankful for all the memories I have made and I look forward to all those I plan on making.

I love asking people what their favourite memory is. I know I could not pick just one memory as my favourite, I have so many that come flooding to my mind. I am grateful for all the memories I carry with me. I feel blessed to share in so many great memories.

I asked my son recently what his favourite memory was and he didn’t have to think about it for a second he quickly said it was getting his Trews t-shirt signed by the band and singing his heart out at the concerts two summers in a row. I asked him this as we sat on the couch eating a box of Pot of Gold caramel chocolates, he said oh and anytime we share snacks because mom you always have good snacks. True fact about me, I always have good snacks. I hide them in my big purse and in my room. I do share my snacks. I love how snacks and food bring people together. I enjoy snacks and chats with my boy. I hope he forever wants to snack and chat with me.

I have a billion memories with this boy that will cause me to smile a lifetime he is my greatest accomplishment. I was thinking the other day that a memory I have not shared with him is taking family pictures. I remember as a kid about his age my mom had my brother and I get dressed up and go to Sears to take what I always thought of as awkward family pictures. I am not sure why the picture of us was made into a necklace but my son now wears our old family picture as a pendant. I remember our picture framed in the hallway of our house. I always thought that was a silly thing to do but all these years later I can still remember that day. I thought it was weird to take “family” pictures without my dad. As a kid from a “broken” family well I didn’t broken pictures at my friends houses so at the time to me it was weird.

I never took my son for family pictures because it seemed even more awkward just the two of us. I always wanted to be that mom that did yearly formal pictures. I feel like I take a million selfies and pictures of us out in the wild that he should never forget the things we did. I secretly wanted family pictures and this year I think I created a fun memory in matching plaid coats, on a local farm, we took our own funny photos. I ordered tripods for my phone and my sons camera to make it a little more formal feeling and to capture better shots. It was a last minute idea and no time for a formal photographer. I was under a time crunch so I did the best I could. I thought the memory was going to turn from cute to bad when we couldn’t get his camera last minute to work, it might have been my fault for trying to adjust the settings. I am not a photgrapher it turns out. We were able to recover and I think we took some of the cutest and funnest pictures. I quickly felt that joy of making this memory last forever as I made us into Christmas cards, magnets, ornaments and prints. I love that my boyfriend joined us and we were all able to take a bunch of shots. While they were not formal they show our personalities and captured the fun we share. I am pretty sure my boyfriend took the pictures so he can say “look at this photograph” I love that everything turns into a singing event. We will be a family full of singing laughter.

I vowed in the craziness of the last year to focus more on making memories! Life can be far to busy and quickly you can feel like how the heck did we get to 29 days till Christmas?!?!? How is it almost 2025? TIME SLOW DOWN!

Calm down, slow down and take time for making memories. On hard days make a list of some of your favourtie memories and it will quickly make you grateful for the people you have and the things you have done.

 

Two years ago, while working my first remote job, I met a coworker who was going to see a concert. She linked me to a song called “Something in the Orange.” She swore the guy who sang this song had the best voice EVER. I love a good voice, so I googled this good-voiced guy. His name is Zach Bryan, and I immediately thought, “Oh, heck no, he sings country. Hard pass.”

As a girl who lives for heavy metal music, I have never been able to get into any country songs. I love to scream my lyrics it’s how I process my feelings. Play angry music until you’re no longer angry. It is a theory that has never let me down. Angry music heals all the parts of me that in a moment feel broken. I always thought country music sounded depressed and the last thing I wanted to feel was more depression after listening to music. It is supposed to take away my sadness and not add to it.

Being kind to this new coworker, I did enjoy working with her, she brought light and laughter to each day. I did listen to the song and OH MY GOODNESS she was right his voice blew me away. I became obsessed and had to hear all of his music. Everyone who knows me is sick of hearing Zach Bryan, my son immediately puts in his earbuds. Everyone thinks I am being drugged how could I love this country music? What is wrong with me? What happened to the heavy metal gal? Even I am not sure it is just something about his voice I am so in love with him. I am so jealous she got to see him live. I have been stalking his tour and trying to get tickets, but they are sold out or crazy-priced. I am not giving up I will make this dream come true. I still love my heavy music, but I am trying to keep an open mind to all types of music. Good lyrics hit the heart hard.

The title of this blog is a line from his song called All the Time. I found it during my last breakup and played it on repeat, never getting sick of it. Are you also a weirdo who can listen to and sing through a song till you feel better? I think this is now one of my favourite songs as it reminds me that love should be patient, kind, and if it isn’t then it is time to get out. We do not have to be a part of anything we do not want to be. Life is short and you should make it as freaking amazing as possible. I refuse to entertain anything that causes me stress, worry, or overthinking. I have had enough of those feelings to last a lifetime.  I feel like in my last relationship no matter what I did I was always losing my mind. I refuse to go fight that battle. I have lived by the quote “It is better to be alone and happy than with someone and unhappy.” Sometimes it takes me a while to get there but when I am done, I am done. I love being alone. I did years of self-work to love myself. Before I started my journey of self love I looked for love in all the wrong places I admit that I just so badly wanted to be loved. Life is way too short and each day I am grateful to still be here on my journey if you are with me on this journey, it is because I think you are awesome! The people in my life surround me with love and keep me calm. I am grateful for my people. I believe that not everyone is meant to be on your journey. Some people come into our lives for a chapter and some stay for a lifetime. Each chapter teaches us valuable lessons.

I wouldn’t say I gave up on love I have always wanted my happily ever after, but the search was exhausting and the quality I couldn’t find. I always wanted to be married and not have kids. I had a kid, and I never got married, life never goes as planned but I am glad mine unfolded just as it was supposed to. I am not religious, but I am spiritual, and I think my angels are guiding me where I belong. I joked with my Opa before he passed that when he got to the other side make sure you find the man on earth I am meant to be with and throw him in my pathway.

My friends and family who have met my boyfriend all ask me what he is drugging me with? I have never loved anyone like I love this man. If he is drugging me let him this is the happiest I have ever been. I have never had such a smooth sailing experience. This love is patient, this love is kind, and oddly enough he hasn’t made me lose my mind.

I used to listen to this song to heal my heart. I dreamed that this easy kind of love would find me. Now I smile when this song comes on and think I have that kind of love. Yes, I still sing the song at the top of my lungs, but it hits me differently.

Fill yourself with self-love and keep an open mind. Work through what you are going through and never give up. Put out to the world what you want, and it will happen, probably when you least expect it that is when it happened for me.

For many years now I have been working on myself to make the best version of myself. I started writing to express myself and send simple helpful messages to others. I think the most important thing I have learned along this journey is the power of my words. I have used my words for both good and evil. I am not proud of some of the things I have said or done. But what is done I cannot change, however, I can learn, grow, and not make the same mistakes. I have no regrets because I am where I am today and I am thankful for my life.

For the last year, I stopped writing because I was struggling and I didn’t feel inspired anymore. While I was cleaning out the contents of my father’s house I found a couple of very angry letters I had written to him and it broke my heart that he kept them. In a moment of anger, I wanted to destroy him. It is one thing to say something mean you can come to forget that over time but the words on that paper, I wonder how many times he read that letter? How many years did he think I felt like that? I regret the many times over the years we didn’t talk. I was a very angry person. We are all doing the best we can with what we have and I wished I knew that wisdom then. I wish I never wrote those letters or at least burned them instead of mailing them to him. I had forgotten what I wrote in those as the years went on. I had a complicated but best-case-scenario relationship with my father. It wasn’t perfect but we made it work the best we could. I didn’t know my dad was doing his best with the skills and abilities he had. He was not prepared for me.

I wish that my dad would have thrown those letters out. It hurts my heart to think he read those more than once. Many years later he could still relive my moment of anger that I had long forgotten about. I never cooled down. I wrote that letter, I filled out the envelope and I walked it to the post office. I wrote in the heat of the moment. I should have calmed down. I should have ripped up that letter or in today’s times deleted that email or online post.

I still write letters I guess I am a bit old-fashioned but my letters come from a much kinder and understanding place. If I write something mean I set that free burn those words delete those emails or simply don’t reply you don’t have to engage.

In a moment of anger let it go. I have now learned kinder and healthier ways of dealing with the anger that I feel. I want to use my words now more to leave kind and loving marks on the world. I think as a younger me I didn’t know how to love myself and appreciate all the good around me I got stuck in the negative and blame. I let what others thought of me eat me alive. I didn’t take time to cool down or sleep on a thought before writing out how I felt. I had red-light rage and I said what was on my mind. It wasn’t always a good thing to do but I felt better getting the mean feelings off my chest. I approach my anger from the other side now and try to put myself in the shoes of the person reading the words. Yes, it is okay to be upset and angry these are natural emotions but you can express how you feel still calmly and from a place of love. You will have a much better chance of solving things calmly than screaming at the top of your lungs. I do not wish to be involved in anything that makes me so upset I have to yell to feel I have gotten my point across. Yelling makes you lose your voice for a reason the natural way to shush you.

Calm down, let it go, and ask yourself is it worth writing?

What are some healthy ways you deal with anger?

I have come to love quiet time in a world that never is silent I need silence. I used to be scared to be alone in silence but it is one of the best times of my day. I love to meditate, do yoga, read a book, walk in nature, look at art, colour, paint, create, and just lay still for a couple of minutes and observe my breath. I ask for a few minutes each day that belong just to me. I need to let things go in those moments. Healing time.

Control your breathing, control your mind, and control your words.

Never let a moment of written anger haunt you for the rest of your life or someone else’s life. Use your words in calm, kind, and loving ways. Do your best!

If you know me, you know I love pumpkin- everything! As soon as October hits, I am drinking all things pumpkin, all the smells in my house become pumpkin, and my favorite thing about Halloween is carving pumpkins. I am thankful this year that Starbucks made a pumpkin chai I lost a lot of money on that deal but if you got to watch me sip that delightful beverage and dance a little you know. When I love something, I am eating or drinking I start to dance I think my happy heart can’t help but show it.

We usually have a fall family tradition of going on the last caddy cruise to a family friend’s pumpkin patch and filling the car with pumpkins. I typically carve and try to beat my previous year’s record for how many pumpkins I can get to eat other pumpkins. We usually end up with a large selection of pumpkins to fill the caddy trunk at a friends and family discount.

This year was a bit different; it was sad at first, but life is forever changing. Last season my dad was in the hospital, but my son and I still did the caddy cruised and got the pumpkins we both agreed it was weird without Papa. My dad has since moved to a care home and I sold the beloved caddy (I don’t want to talk about it, still heartbroken) she was too much work for me to upkeep and too heartbreaking it was a love we shared. I admit looking over and not seeing my dad as my co-pilot broke my heart.

This year Halloween crept up on us and we found ourselves the night before rushing to buy and carve pumpkins; we didn’t get to the family friend’s place sorry! We did donate to a good cause and carve some pretty cool-looking pumpkins. I forgot to mention to my boyfriend I am competitive in creating the best pumpkin. I couldn’t find smaller pumpkins, so I had to change my carving idea, and I was a bit devastated. I was left last minute searching for what to do and I didn’t love it.

This year for Halloween my son went as my brother’s best friend who is a mechanic that he adores. Both scary and heartwarming. He said he wasn’t going to go out because his tradition is to go with his cousin who is away this year. He changed his mind last minute and came home with a huge haul of candy which I have been taxing heavily. If you parent tax, you know what I mean! I convinced Dan when he was little that he wouldn’t like Cheetos and that peanut butter cups were too spicy! I am that mom.

While I miss the old family fall traditions, I look forward to the new ones we are creating. While Dan was collecting candy I watched the second most bizarre movie of my life. My boyfriend’s tradition is to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show. I am trying to incorporate him into our family, so I appreciated he carved and shared laughs creating pumpkins. I stared at him with a confused look trying to understand why so many people enjoy this movie. I can’t wait to watch it next year. Does it ever make more sense? When do I stop singing the catchy songs? I did love that meatloaf is in the movie.

When I think of why I love the fall season it is because the sights with all the leaves changing beautiful colours delight my soul. Everywhere you look it is so pretty. The fall drives take my breath away. For 25 years my dad and I always took a caddy cruise to take in the colour changes. I will forever hold those memories close to my heart. This year while not planned for a fall cruise I ended up taking a fall tour caddy route in my Jetta while not as nice of a car the views were amazing. My boyfriend was my co-pilot who like my dad was telling me such rich history about where we were driving and as the old memories and new memories flooded me, I had such a full heart.

Halloween is still one of my favourite times, while I dislike being scared, I love pumpkin carving, eating mini candies, and making memories. As my doorbell rang each time with more kids, I ran to see what they were. I live in a small community on a dead-end street, so I appreciate those who put in the effort to stop by. You all made my night!

While the summer heat is what I crave the fall colours will forever be one of my favourtie sights. I look forward to fall and the traditions of October while they have changed, I am making the decision to put away my sad caddy tears and instead be thankful that I shared 25 years of fall cruises. To embrace the change and be thankful for those who come to carve pumpkins, sing songs, and eat cupcakes. I am thankful for the memories I have created and the ones still to come. This year while the tradition changed my heart was still full. We created such wonderful memories. You choose how to deal with the day. I could have skipped the fall traditions and just been sad trust me I kind of wanted to. I didn’t think it would be the same and I was right, it wasn’t the same, but it was everything I needed. I did my best and I made it the best it could be.

My son also learned the lesson that when tradition changes and when you are sad cousin isn’t here for Halloween you could sulk and have no fun or you could slap a costume together and go out with friends, start a new tradition, and get me my spicy peanut butter cups!

For a moment we wanted to skip I love that we both made it the best it could be. Do your best!