Author: sascha

One thing….

I was recently driving with my son and my niece Aria and the song that came on was Finger Eleven One Thing. I absolutely love this song so I immediately started singing. While I was singing my heart out I got to the part that goes:

“If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
just for one thing”

My niece Aria immediately says, “If I could trade it all for one thing it would be the ability to time travel”. Interested I had to know what her destination with time travel could possibly be. Aria’s time travel destination would be to the age of thirteen. Thirteen? Why thirteen? Aria believes at the age thirteen she will be able to do whatever she wants. Oh my goodness, her parents better buck up, her teenage years are gonna be interesting.

My son’s time travel destination would either be to the age of 16 so he
can drive a truck, or the age of 100 so he can experience what it is like to be an old man. He is obsessed with getting old.

Let me tell you it was hard to keep the car on the road I got laughing so hard at those time travel answers. Then the question came, “Auntie what would you want if you could have one thing?” That question really made me stop and think. What is one thing I have always wanted? What is something I would trade everything for?

In the thick of darkness before I was blessed with being a mom the one thing I wanted was to die. If you asked me when this song game out in the year 2003 what I wanted, my answer would be very different than the answer I have today nearing 2020. In 2003 I wanted the pain of being alive to stop. I wanted the thoughts that haunted me to go away. I couldn’t see any other option. I wanted out. I thought my life was over and I let so many valuable wasted years pass me by, because I didn’t embrace my failures. I added it all to my own very tragic story. I thought my book was one big long depressing story. A story no one would want to read. I didn’t know I could start a new chapter or start over completely fresh. I didn’t know I could write a different more positive book. I didn’t know that my ending could be a happy one. If I died today I would die happy. The biggest part of re writing my book is the ability to let go and let positivity flow.

The life I have created now and going in to 2020, is the best version of me. I am living my best self. I have battled so many demons and seen the depths of darkness. I have tasted death. I think back on all the accidents I have been in and all the stupid things I have done. All the things I did to harm myself and I think if I could time travel I would go back to being a teenager not because I would want to change anything but because that’s where my darkness started. I would hug teenage me. I would tell myself how much I love myself.

When I think of time travel I think of the movie 13 going on 30. Where she goes into the closet at a birthday party and wakes up 30, which was her birthday wish. I could probably recite every line of this movie. I have watched it that many times. I absolutely love the part where her boyfriend dances to Vanilla Ice Ice Baby! If you have not seen 13 going on 30 stop everything and watch it.
I always thought how cool it would be to be 30 when I was growing up it seemed so far away. I wonder what would I have learned if I could have skipped from being 13 right into being 30? What would I have thought about my life? On my 30th birthday I had just gotten the corgi puppy of my dreams. Oh Charles! I was in a messed up situation. I was doing fairly good and then darkness my old friend pulled me back in. Truth is 30 did me in. I started regretting my life thinking only of my failures. Turning 30 tested everything I had in me to give. I found out I was going to be a mom from a very unhealthy relationship, which ultimately left me to be a single mom. Becoming a single mom was my biggest fear. I was terrified I would fail as a mother. I think if I skipped from 13 to 30 I wouldn’t have wanted to grow up ha-ha.

Becoming a single mom has been by far the greatest accomplishment of my life. I have the most amazing son. Yes, sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out, but for the most part he is such a kind loving (old) soul and I am blessed to be his mom. I couldn’t be any more proud of our little family and all of our accomplishments. I cannot wait to see what our future holds but for right now we embrace and enjoy as much as we can of each day.

Now I am closer to 38 than anything and I do not hold any regrets. I am happy for how my life played out. I wouldn’t change anything or I wouldn’t be who I am today. I celebrate my darkness and embrace what it has taught me. I learn from my mistakes and I am going to rock the future. I am a force to be reckoned with. I love myself. I love my life.

Time travel is an amazing idea but don’t rush life. Enjoy the simple moments. Remember that bad times are just temporary and change is always an option. Learn to love yourself and everything in life becomes easier.

Aunties are like moms only cooler…

I am so lucky to have had a childhood with an Aunt who was way cooler than my mom. My Auntie Kirsten, my mom’s younger sister, was that auntie. I have no idea why I called her Auntie Jean as a kid, apparently I couldn’t say Kirsten? Most of my childhood pictures from the 80s, auntie appeared to be smoking. I don’t remember her smoking but she looked so cool in the pictures. She never wore the same clothes twice. She had an outfit for every occasion. Kirsten always had the latest and greatest hair-do. She was a hair dresser and a fashionista. As a kid in the 80s she was my role model and my confidant. She cut my hair and helped me style my clothes. She pierced my ears. I dreamed of being just like her when I was a kid. I would crank Cyndi Lauper and dance around dreaming of one day being as cool as Auntie Jean.

Kirsten still inspires me to this day. She always taught me to be weird, wild, and unique but most of all too always be myself. I have had every hair cut I think you can have. I have had my hair all the colours of the rainbow. I have always preferred my hair short and she has helped me find so many amazing short hair cuts that make me feel confident. When Kirsten cut her hair off short, we almost had matching haircuts for a while. Now I dunno if I am still trying to be like her or if she’s trying to be like me. I got my love of fashion from my auntie. I even did a little modeling as a teenager. Shocker but I chose not to follow that path. I didn’t like to be other people’s version of beauty. I just have always wanted to be me.

Auntie Kirsten is the girl you want to go shopping with, despite her being painfully cheap, she will hit a thrift store and for a limited amount you will come out looking like a million bucks. She has an eye for fashion like I have never seen. Recently granny and I met her at a store where she arrived first and had so many amazing things set aside. I have more boots that I will ever need. I love a good boot. If you need fashion advice for any budget available I can arrange that she can be your cool auntie too.

I have many aunties out west in B.C. but I didn’t grow up with them smoking at my birthday parties and giving me weird haircuts and fashion advice. They are also cool just not in the same way as my one and only Ontario auntie.

When I found out I was going to be an auntie for the first time I was just a teenager, but I vowed to be like Auntie Jean, that cool auntie. I wanted to always be the fun one that my nephew would want to hang out with. My first nephew Landon forever changed my life. I didn’t know what love was until I saw this cutie. My heart instantly melted and I was so in love. To be an aunt is such a great honour. Landon forever changed my life by giving me a reason to keep going. Teenage years can suck. I wanted to watch him grow up. I wanted to always sing our hearts out in the car. From the time he was little he would just belt out song lyrics. He would always ask if I had his music when I picked him up. He would make music request after music request mostly “Presidents of the United States of America” oh the” kitty” song on repeat, haha. I still always crank the tunes and make him sing anytime were in a car together. Landon is now an adult who, after years of bugging, has a driver’s license and a job. He has grown up way to fast. He continues to make me proud. I still run and hug him every time I see him. I mean like “run and jump you better catch me I love you more than anything” auntie hug.

I am also an auntie to three awesome nephews who live in British Columbia. Christian, Delane and Diego. Oh boys you are the best. I am super sad we didn’t get the chance to grow up closer and spend more time having fun but you make every trip I make to B.C a million times more fun. From the time I first met all three of you, all of you have just been so accepting. You three have always kept in touch thanks in part by your mom and dad. You have kept me busy and always have me laughing. I am thankful with technology I can bug you all the time.

My last trip out west with my son I was over joyed to be able to take Christian on a road trip. He will tell you I almost killed him with my driving but it’s not true. We had a blast driving around in my rental Kia Soul visiting our families. You will forever be my son’s best buddy! Christian just graduated high school and is on to the next big chapter of life. I cannot wait to see what you do next. This kid is amazing at anything you need fixed or built. No project is too big.

Delane is smartest person I know. I have spent my whole life trying to solve a Rubik’s cube. This guy in no time flat, boom solved, like it’s no big deal. He’s an amazing artist. His drawings should be displayed in a fancy museum. He talked to me about video games I smiled and nodded but I have no idea what we were talking about. Oh and speaking of no idea what he’s talking about he learned Japanese. This nephew constantly amazes me. This is nephew I will be calling when I struggle with my son’s homework.

Diego the baby of the family he is the outdoors man. He would live outside if you let him. He shared with me many awesome adventure stories. I wanna come back and dirt bike with him. I absolutely enjoyed our long kayak adventure. He is the little brother who is glad he was the last boy. He thought my son was a lot because he was like the annoying little brother he never got haha. He made me laugh so much it hurt. He had a great idea for me to come back every year like an anniversary but it’s an “aunt” iversary. I just love this idea. Party every time I come back!

Last but not least finally after 4 nephews I have 1 niece, Aria. Aria is only a couple months apart from my son in age and they spend a lot of time together. Sometimes they even fight like brother and sister- like my brother and I used to as kids. I am so glad we have kids the same age that can grow up and enjoy times together. Aria reminds me how awesome it is to have a girl in the mix of all the boys. She’s cool and cut her hair off and was rocking a “faux hawk”. She hates to wear clothes, she’s wild and crazy, and she absolutely loves science and gross things. She makes me laugh a lot with her funny stories. She is her own girl wild and free. I have more auntie competition with this girl because she also has 3 other aunties but I vow to always be the best auntie ever. The cool auntie!

Thank you Auntie Kirsten for always being you! Thank you for always giving me fashion advice and cool hair-dos. Thank you for being an amazing GREAT auntie to my son. You took that promotion seriously. (As I finish this blog were heading to aunties house for lunch. My son will be in the hot tub)

Thank you to my amazing nephews and my niece. You five make every day the best. You always keep me smiling, laughing and grateful for you all being a part of my life. Love you all so very much! Thanks for having me your auntie. I am blessed.

Take me to my happy place…….

I love the saying, “when you are upset just go to your happy place”. The first therapist I ever saw always said to picture your happy place. When I was mad and stuck in negativity it was hard to picture anywhere nice or, to see anything good. When I closed my eyes I didn’t wanna see, I wanted to forget. Once I finally got to a place where I could visualize. I would close my eyes and I could see me sitting on a beach. The sun would be shining down on me, making my skin glow and keeping me warm. I could feel the breeze off the water making my hair messy. I could see my feet buried in the sand. I could hear the waves crashing on shore. I could look out and see a huge body of water with an island off in the distance. I feel completely satisfied alone in a place of paradise. I always remember going to my happy place alone. The thought of being alone until now has always terrified me.

When I moved to Vancouver Island I was obsessed with being near the ocean. I truly thought the ocean would heal my broken heart. I needed to be close to the ocean or to see it every day. My biggest regret about my time on the Island is that I never made it to Tofino. Truth is I was so stressed out. I was still so negative. I was focused on what was not working out for me instead of making things work for me. I could only see what I didn’t have, not what I did. I felt like I failed. I was stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and was only seeing the negativity. I ultimately set myself up for failure. I had not yet discovered the way to change my thinking and change my life. I was stuck playing the victim in my own sad story. I didn’t know I could rewrite my ending and that this didn’t have to last forever. I thought starting over just meant running away to a place where people knew less about me. I thought if I just forgot about my problems they would go away. I didn’t know how to deal with my problems in a healthy way. I packed my problems up so tightly and carried them around for way to long. I got caught in a cycle of all things negative. I created a world that wouldn’t work for me. I was my own worst enemy. I was terrified to go back to the Island and visit my Island family because I thought I was such a failure. I came back to Ontario and I messed up my life a whole lot more.

I decided in 2018 I am going back to Vancouver Island. I wanted to show my son the beauty of British Columbia and introduce him to some of his most wonderful family members. My son’s world sometimes seems small because all he has is my side of the family. Our family here sometimes seems small, but my family in British Columbia, oh goodness, there are so many of them. I don’t even know in all in my trips and all my travels if I have met everyone yet.

On July 12, 2018 while visiting my Island family my cousin Noah suggested a trip to Tofino and I almost cried I was that excited and happy to finally be able to go. I got to experience Tofino on the most beautiful July day. The sky was endless sunshine. The ocean was wavy and surfers were out enjoying the perfect day. I always pictured myself enjoying a day in Tofino alone just me and the ocean. I am glad I never made it alone and filled with negativity. I never would have appreciated it like I did with my cousin and my son by my side. We shared so many smiles, laughs and stories that day I will never forget how much fun the three of us had. I laugh now thinking how it all worked out for the best. Life just has a way of always working out for the best when you’re living a life of positivity!

While sitting on long beach looking out at a little island I said, “this is what I see when I go to my happy place”. Funny story right where I was sitting behind me the house on the ocean was for sale. I took a picture and have been dreaming of this house ever since. I have my original picture and the online Realtor listing on my vision wall. I just need a big lottery win!
Tofino is my destination dream place. Tofino is a place that I have seen for years in my visions of what my happy place looks like. It is a place I dream to visit again someday. A place I hope to share with my cousin Noah and my son. When I go to my happy place I can see the three of us sitting on the beaching laughing and everything in life is good.

My everyday happy place is in the corner of my living room in my chaise chair looking out the window towards Lake Ontario. This is the perfect place to enjoy a cup of tea, to watch a show, to read a book, to dream up my next idea. When I moved to my house three years ago now, I had a long list of wants and wishes but most importantly I needed to be able to see the water. Something about the water just fills my heart with happiness. I am a water sign. I go down to the water pretty much every day and I just breathe in the beauty of it all. The lake is ever changing and beautiful in all the seasons.

I am beyond grateful to have experienced Tofino on such a beautiful day with two of my favourite people. Thank you to Noah and thank you to my son. I cannot wait until we can do it again. It’s not a goodbye, it’s a see you later kinda moment. I am thankful to have such a beautiful place and to live to have my own little happy place in my house. I spend a few minutes each day in my happy place dreaming. I am thankful to myself for all the hard work I have done to make it to this moment in life. When you find your positive light life becomes easier. Make your life your happy place.

Holding on to negativity will do you no good……

Recently I wondered “how many thoughts a day do we have that are negative”?

I googled “how many thoughts a day are negative?” The first thing that popped up was; “According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. If we repeat those negative thoughts, we think negative way more than we think positive thoughts.”

I have to say I was blown away by these results. I assumed around half of our thoughts were negative but 80%. Holy heck, that’s a huge number. Repetitive thoughts that we think over and over again until we drive ourselves mad. I know I have been there done that.

If we are not born with these negative thoughts, where do they come from? I believe my negative thoughts came from listening to everyone else but myself. I believed in what others said about me, when I should have believed in myself. Way easier said than done, I know! For years on repeat I had some of the most self-destructive thoughts. I was harder on myself than anyone else could have ever been. I never believed I was beautiful, despite being a model in my most awkward years. I never believed I was smart, despite having top marks in school and receiving honours awards. I never believed I had any self-worth. I believed I was better off dead. I believed I would never amount to anything good so why bother putting in any effort. I believed I would fail at everything I tried. I believed I would work dead end jobs forever. I believed that I would be in debt forever. I believed that I was un-loveable. I believed every negative word. I packed away every negative thought and feeling so tightly and let them haunt me for so long. I never unpacked my baggage for good. I just kept adding to the weight of it all until I almost let it end my life. I cannot think of a positive thought I had.

I grew up in a family separated by divorce. My grandparents divorced. My parents divorced. My aunt and uncle divorced. No one immediately around me stayed married. Maybe this is why I am a run-away bride? Just kidding, I don’t blame anyone in my family for my failures. Truth be told, I have been engaged five times and planned two full weddings which I never showed up to either. I am a run-away bride, not once, but multiple times. If you see me lacing up my sneakers watch out! Most people would probably think I have given up on love, not true. I do believe in love. I do believe there is a relationship out there for me. A perfect person does exist, but I am in no rush. I decided that the most important relationship is with me. I do spend all day everyday with me! I worked on a relationship with me. The most important relationship there is! Once you have a great relationship with yourself, I believe, everything else is easier. I never loved myself before so I was unable to love someone else. Working on loving yourself is some of the hardest work you will ever do but it’s also the most rewarding work you will ever accomplish. I love myself!

When I was stuck in my destructive thoughts I would hate spending time alone. If I was alone, I dread the thought of thinking about “stuff”. I viewed my failures in a negative light and reasoned I should give up completely when I should have been thinking, “I failed now what?” My failures are to be seen not as failing, but instead as opportunities to try something over or in a different way. My failures were actually giving me another chance to try a new way of doing something. I couldn’t see how lucky I was to fail and pursue something I loved even more. I am grateful for all my failures because they have guided me right here to where I am doing something I absolutely love.

When I was in the depths of my negativity I was terrified to go anywhere by myself. I would always text a friend to go shopping, go for coffee or meet for dinner. I got caught up in other people’s drama because when you’re in a negative space you tend to attract people in the same kind of space. I was filled with anxiety about spending time alone. If I was alone, I would spend my days sleeping and my nights worrying. I worried about everything. I constantly got stuck in the cycle of over thinking. Repetitive thoughts haunted me and drove me mad. I worried about what people thought about me. What people said about me? I forgot to check in and see what I thought and felt about me. I spent so much time filling every minute of every day with other people and things to do that I never left time for me. I was always running and rushing around and not slowing down to enjoy life. I missed out on so much because my negativity created a dark space I couldn’t see out from. It was like I was living in a little black box filled with everyone’s judgments of me. Yes, I admit I am not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Yes, I have hurt people. Yes, I have let people down. Yes, I have failed. Yes, I am human. I am doing my best and if my best isn’t good enough fuck it. I accept who I was; I can’t go back and change me. I own up to what I have done. I take responsibility for my choices and actions. I work each and every day to make sure my life is filled with happiness and love going forward. I tell my friends and family I love them (Yes even the ones that make me sometimes wanna pull my hair out). I take each day for the gift it is and I have as much fun as I possibly can.

I am thankful my destructive, repetitive thoughts and failures didn’t get the best of me. I am thankful I lived long enough to get to place in my life that I absolutely love. I am thankful I learned how to love myself. I am thankful to be able to share my story and have it be shared in the hopes of helping and healing others. You are never alone. I believe in each and every one of you! I know that if I can change my life and love my life so can you! I am always here. Feel free to reach out, get in touch today.

Songs that played throughout my life…..

Do you ever catch yourself listening to a song and it instantly takes you to a place you heard that song before or it reminds you of a certain time shared with someone? Just hearing that song can transport you back to a certain place or recapture a feeling? That feeling can be so real just from hearing a song? I often catch myself singing a song and remembering some place or someone. I love the power of music. I absolutely love to sing. When I say I love to sing, I mean to myself, in my car, like I am the lead singer of the band. No greater feeling than hearing a song you know every word too. Something about singing has just always had an instant way of cheering me up! I enjoy rocking out.

When I was in my teens and in my 20s I used to go to a lot of concerts. I have seen some of the most amazing bands live. I love the energy at a good concert! I love sharing my love for music with people who share the same love. My best friend during my teens and 20s times was a gal named Dahri and, we saw some of the greatest bands together rocking out. We did a lot of singing and shared a lot of laughs. Thanks for all those great times.

Growing up I always wanted to be a musician. The dream of being a rock star seemed so real. I took guitar in school. Wow, what an epic failure. I am pretty sure I am tone deaf. I tried to play the drums. Yep, you guessed it I was a hot mess. I have zero rhythm and coordination. I have an uncle who is good at everything music. He can play any instrument. He can listen to a song and play back on different instruments, it’s amazing to watch.

My love of music started as a child in my dad’s record collection. He has some pretty amazing records. Every now and again he will fire up the old record player. When I was a kid I remember it sounded so amazing. It was a certain art to get it to play the right song. I used to love to listen to Powder Blues Band-Thirsty Ears. Then when dad made the big upgrade to tapes, oh wow, did he ever have a lot of tapes. Since the Cadillac car only takes tapes we still have a few most importantly Steppenwolf so I can play magic carpet ride. Anytime dad was working in the garage he always had his boom box and tapes playing. I always think of the times in the garage when I hear Copperhead Road. Then there is Jimmy Buffet *insert eye roll here*, oh dad and his love of all things Jimmy Buffet. I don’t understand it but once it came in handy and I won some money in a bar because I could sadly name more than 5 other songs of Jimmy Buffet, other than Margaritaville. I am pretty sure my hearing is permanently damaged because of how loud Jimmy Buffet was played throughout my life.

My mom listened to more girly music. My love of Alanis Morissette started in my mom’s CD collection. I still enjoy cranking her songs and sing my heart out. I had the chance to see her in concert. It’s still one of my favourite concerts. She still introduces me to great music. You never know what mom will like next. My mom took me and my brother to our very first concert to see Barenaked Ladies. I still remember how everyone threw Kraft dinner on stage during the song if I had a million dollars. I loved the energy during that show and I was hooked on concerts. The last concert, well reading with music we saw together was Bif Naked. What an absolutely phenomenal woman. If you have not read her book, heard her songs or seen her live I absolutely recommend you do! I have seen both her rock show and her book reading. I would highly recommend both!

My brother growing up as a teen was into heavy metal music, he introduced me to NIN. When I saw NIN live the show blew me away. I think Trent Reznor has an amazing voice and he’s easy on the eyes. My brother still supplies me music for my car. He introduced me to so many amazing bands over the years and let me tag along to so many concerts as a teenager. Thanks for putting up with me brother and my brothers friends. I am sure I will forever be that annoying little sister! You’re welcome.

My step mom growing up was a huge Tragically Hip fan. I think New Orleans is sinking and I don’t wanna swim is permanently stuck in my head. It seemed anytime she had music on it was The Hip. I was recently in Bobcaygeon and I could remember the words to the song from all those years ago. They are a timeless band that forever will be remembered. I was also lucky enough to see the Hip with her, super cool experience.

Bryan Adams forever makes me think of my granny and her endless love for him. She saw him in concert 2001 and she is still in awe. She has her tickets framed and she will always tell you how great he is. I have never seen him in concert but if it’s even half as good as she describes it, I am interested.

Carousel music or German Oompah music always makes me think of Opa. Any time I hear Carousel music it makes me think of all the fun times we have shared at fairs and his unbelievable collection of Carousel horses that play the music too. German Oompah music always makes me think of Opa dancing around in a circle with his arms up. I don’t know if that’s actually how they dance, but he sure made me believe it was.

My Oma always listened to opera music and even took me to an opera. I can’t say as I understood it quite like she did. It was interesting to watch her sing along to her favourite opera songs. Since Oma knew so many languages she could sing opera in different languages it was truly magical to watch. She would explain to me what the opera was about with such passion almost like she was in the show.

I listen to a lot of different types of music. I think the only music I never really got into, understood or liked is country; of course my son now loves country and has me listening to it. Still not a fan but maybe it will get better? If you listen to country music shoot me a message and let me know songs to check out.

Thank you music for always having the song I needed to get me through my life. No matter the situation or feeling I am going through I always seem to find a song that fits and that I can rock out too. Thanks to all my friends and family who have been to concerts with me. Thanks for all the great songs shared over the years. Thanks to my uncle Ken for always being my rock and roll uncle, and for trying to teach me to play some music even though I failed LOL Maybe you will have better luck with my son? *fingers crossed* I think I would make a good rock and roll mom just saying!

Keep on rocking!

Beauty is everywhere, slow down and take the time to appreciate it…

The soft warm breeze on a sunny fall day is my absolute favourite day. Feeling the sun upon my face, the breeze flowing and leaves dancing about. That’s the perfect day. I love fall. I love watching the trees change colour and the leaves fall to the ground. I love driving around and seeing all the colours from near and far. Fall has the most beautiful, rich shades of green, yellow, orange and red.

I took a fall Caddy cruise through Algonquin Park this fall and it was breathtaking. My poor dad had to listen to me say “OoOo look at those colours or OoOo that red is so pretty” Every red tree is an “OoOo” moment. I love to see all the fall colours but something about the dark reds that just makes me happy. I can’t quite put my finger on why I love the red trees. I am not normally a fan of red. I don’t have any red decor in my house. I have never owned a red car. I don’t work red into my wardrobe. Something about seeing red trees in the fall makes me smile. I think all the colours are beautiful but red, wow, red.

I took Charles, my dog for a walk down to the park the other day and it was a windy day. The lake was wild and wavy. We got stuck in a windy spot leaves blowing all around us. Leaves were stuck in our fur and hair. As the wind slowed down I caught sight of the most beautiful bright red leaf ever so slowly circling around in the wind like it was dancing with no one watching. As I stood thinking how beautiful this is, it reminded me of the scene in the movie American beauty with the plastic bag dancing in the wind. I remember when I watched that movie I thought what a stupid thing to watch this bag dancing in the wind. I was sucked into a negative mind set and couldn’t see the beauty in anything let along simple life moments. I am going to have to re-watch that movie now.

I think it’s interesting that trees for the most part start off with branches filled with green leaves. That those leaves survive our hot summers and transform into the most beautiful colours in the fall. Then they fall from the trees on the ground only to come back better and more beautiful each year. I have a few trees in my yard. I have been in my house now for 3 years and I have watched the trees around me produce some amazing colours and it seems each year I have more and more leaves to rake. The tree off my deck is a beautiful orange and yellow colour which I was sure to point out to my dad on his last visit “OoOOoO” look how pretty this tree is dad. The view from my deck is beautiful you can see the lake and my pretty orange yellow tree.

I think it’s fascinating that every leaf is different and unique. Makes me think of us and how we are all different and unique. That we are forever changing. Sometimes falling down and coming back better than ever. Sometimes if you’re like me you fall down a lot. I fall not just because I am accident prone or tall or generally clumsy. I fall because my negativity and repeated thoughts took me down to the ground, to a place where I didn’t want to get back up. When you’re down it seems easier to just stay right there. Things seem to hurt less if you just stay exactly where you are. You can get sucked into a place where you feel life isn’t worth living. You can get stuck where you can’t see the beauty in every day simple pleasures like the leaves. I know I have been there. I laugh just thinking about negative me walking my dog on a windy day. I would not have payed attention to the colour of the leaves I would have just been mad that they got stuck to me or that my hair was in my face. I would have been cold and would have wanted to go home. Heck I probably wouldn’t even have been outside. I would have been wasting the day away letting thoughts haunt me or sleeping my two favourite past times. I think of how much time I wasted being mad and I refuse to live like that for even one more second.

Positive me wants to shout to you “get outside! Enjoy the beautiful sights”. Slow down and truly enjoy the sights. You will be amazed at what you can see when you slow down and enjoy. I know life can be busy as I write this blog I have so many things I should be doing! I am new to this blogging thing but I have to say I am enjoying it. Take a few minutes and do something you enjoy every day. Life is too short to spend being anything besides freaking awesome. I am thankful to have survived my negativity and grateful to spend each and every day doing something I love.

Thank you to the dancing red leaf for reminding me to slow down and enjoy the everyday beauty of the great outdoors. Thanks dad for always caddy cruising and listening to me “OoOo” over the beautiful fall colours. Thanks Charles for getting me outside to walk and enjoy the beauty of all the seasons. I love where I live!

For the love of all things Corgi….

Charleston Rupertly Corgshire is my Pembroke Welsh Corgi dog. He has a regal name for a dog I found on an online “exchange good” site. I found this little puppy available on my 30th birthday. When I was in my 20s I felt like I had failed life. I was excited to turn 30 and start a new chapter. Little did I known 30 would hit me like a Mack truck and be the hardest year yet.

I wasn’t thinking about getting a dog, but then, I met a crazy corgi lady named Kristen. She had a corgi. A what? Right at the time I had no idea what a corgi was. Once I met her corgi dog, Ronin, it was game over. I had to have a corgi. I soon realized this is the same breed of dog the queen has. Surely if this breed of dog is good enough for the queen, then it should be good enough for me?

I found this cute little corgi puppy available on my freaking 30th birthday. What are the odds? I drove for five hours one way to a place I had never heard of to find this puppy. He was so tiny he was wearing a cat collar. I was instantly in love. I stopped at the first park I could find to let him out to pee. I saw a bench to sit on and just stare in awe of my little puppy. Well this puppy let me tell you he stuck his head in the side of the bench through this little hole and I couldn’t get him out. Oh great had the puppy for ten minutes and already a problem. Well now it’s going on eight years and it hasn’t gotten much better. Charleston, also known as Charles, Charlie, Chuck, Charty, Lolly or puparonies, has sure given me a run for my money over the years. No, seriously, this dog has cost me a small fortune. I think he thinks he lives with the queen and money is no issue.

I have never felt the love of an animal like I have from this dog of mine. I am so lucky to call this dog mine. Charles has forever changed my life. I am blessed to experience the unconditional love of a dog. I have never had a dog stare at me and want to be with me every second of the day. He tilts his head as if he understands what I am saying. I know I sound like the crazy corgi lady. I am happy to announce to you I AM A CRAZY CORGI LADY. Yes I have my dog tattooed on my left arm wearing a crown hanging off one ear and looking like the royal mess he is. I have a corgi air fresher in my car. More corgi pictures, t-shirts, belts, water bottles, mugs, pins, magnets you name it I probably have it with a corgi on it.

What does it mean to have a dog that loves you? Charles saved my life. When I lay down in my bathtub ready to end my life, I wrote my goodbye letters and I had made amends with darkness. I said out loud darkness you win I can’t do this anymore. I had thought out every detail including how I thought there was less cleaning if you died in your tub. When you are in a dark place you cannot see the light. Nothing else mattered to me. I no longer wanted to be here. This corgi of mine crawled up on me and laid his head on my shoulder he looked at me with such love in his eyes. I spent forever crying in that tub holding my little corgi and I realized what I would be missing if I was no longer here. I wondered why I cared about so much about what everyone else thought of me. I almost let the thoughts other people created about me kill me.

Charles means so much to me. I had such a hard time when I became a single mom (more on that in a future blog) I looked into re homing Charles as I felt I wasn’t giving him enough attention and I thought maybe someone else could do a better job. Always the “what ifs” haunting me. To get sucked into the “what if” cycle will drive you mad! I actually found him a home and almost re homed him but that look oh goodness that look he gives me. I immediately cried until I almost drowned in my own tears and I couldn’t do it. Charles will forever be my dog until the day he’s no longer here I will give him the very best life I can.

I have met so many absolutely wonderful friends through a local corgi group. Let’s be serious I am talking about the corgi’s, ha, I can remember the dogs names, the humans not so much. Corgis just have an instant way of cheering you up and to see a bunch of them together oh my goodness it hurts to laugh and smile that much. Charles in his old age is kinda grumpy towards other dogs not just other corgis. I have tried to add on another corgi dog a few times and he will have no part of it. He has made it very clear he will be my one and only.

Charles has always had a fan club of people who just love him. When I moved a few years back I met a little girl who absolutely believes Charles is her dog. Charles has a way with kids, he just loves little people. I think it’s because they eat snacks low to the ground and often share! This little girl asks me daily to come see her dog. She’s so good to Charles. He gets extra cookies and pat pats and you can see the love he has for her. He lights right up and runs to her. I always thought if I lost my dog to anyone it would be the actual queen, well move over Queen Elizabeth, Miss Liv is going to give you a run for your money.

Oh Charles, I can never thank you enough for saving my life, for being the very best dog. Thank you for always loving me even when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for always keeping a close eye on my little human, for howling when he cries. Thank you for always protecting my house even though you can’t see out the window you always know when some ones near. I love that you have become a grumpy old man set in your ways. I would not change you for the world. You forever hold a special place in my heart and on my arm!

Reading my way into a better life….

I have always had a love for reading and a love for learning. Once I learned to read, the whole world opened up for me. I could be found with my nose in a book. I loved reading big chapter books as a kid. Those babysitter club books really sucked me in and don’t get me started on Anne of Green Gables. I was such a huge fan of Anne of Green Gables I convinced my dad to road trip to Cavendish, Prince Edward Island to visit the Green Gables Heritage Place. I live in Ontario.

Reading allowed me to escape from my everyday life, it allowed to me to dream, to become a part of someone else’s story. I love the feeling of how a good book can suck you in and hours can pass by while you keep turning pages, aware of the things you should be doing but you just can’t put that book down.

I did eventually, long after it was the in thing to have, upgrade and get a Kobo eReader. I tried to read eBooks but I hated it. I just love holding onto the book and flipping the pages. I love reading in the bathtub with bubbles up to my neck. It’s just not the same. If you have ever dropped a book into the bathtub water you get me! I have tried to listen to audio books. Oh my goodness, I cannot focus when someone else is reading. I need to have that book in my hand. I need to re-read the pages when I forget what’s going on. I need to have that great bookmark. Currently my book mark is one of my business cards. My business card has the most beautiful picture of Tofino that I captured.

When my Oma was alive she used to find the best books. Oma had a love for reading. Her house had so many bookshelves filled with some of the best books. Her books have always held such great memories. Oma always had just the book you needed to read. She introduced me to Wally Lamb, who to this day is still one of my favourite authors. I loved to read the books she had previously read and discuss what we thought. It was like our own little book club. After Oma passed I didn’t read much, I lost that person to discuss books with. It felt like I couldn’t find a good book to save my life.

After going to school and being sick of reading text books, I was still lost and most of my thoughts haunted me with negativity and baggage from my past. I turned to new section of the book store called Self-Help. Oh dear goodness, how can I help myself? I had spent a lot of years in counselling, been to psychotherapists. I packed my baggage so tight and carried it around for so long it’s no wonder my back hurt. I tried to solve most of my life problems with drugs and alcohol. Although I thought a combination of drugs and alcohol did make me feel better at times in my life, all it did was cloud my vision so I couldn’t clearly see my problems. When you drink, get high, or a combination of both you tend to no give a fuck about your problems. I knew from personal experience addictions and running away from your problems doesn’t work!

When I was stuck in my negative thought patterns and just hating each day more than the last, well I thought it was just me who felt that way. I didn’t talk much about my problems to others; I didn’t think other people felt the way I did. Turns out almost everyone feels this unbelievable darkness of negativity. I was determined that if I could reprogram the way I thought and saw my life and create a positive life that my life would be better than ever. It has not been easy it’s a lot of work. It’s daily work. It takes time and patience which are two things I never thought I would have! I have been on this journey for many years and I am here to empower you to do the same. I read so many different ways to change your life; I have tried so many different ideas, thoughts and ways. I understand what works for one person won’t work for everyone. I am not here to judge you, trust me my darkness is that of a horror movie. I am here to tell you when you see your life in a positive way the possibilities are endless. When I was creating this website I struggled with writing about myself. Instead of staying stuck or giving up I called my life coach friend and asked him for some help. He asked me some powerful questions he said “Who are you creating this website for? Who do you want to attract?” My immediate answer was me ten years ago, the woman who was so sad she couldn’t pick herself up off the floor, who thought about ending her life because she didn’t want to live one more day, the woman who was stuck, who lost her dreams, the woman who almost let negativity win. ALMOST! Then I kicked my life in to positivity over drive and this is the woman I am today. The woman who wants to share with you, to believe in you, to empower you to create your path into a future filled with positive light. I wanna shine that light so bright that it’s blinding. I want you to have a journey filled with positivity, laughter and fun! I want you to feel how I feel today. I have lived the life of negativity it does not lead anywhere good. I have lived the life of light and positivity and it’s amazing. Many of my dreams and visions are happening now, because I have a clear vision. I believe in myself. I am once again enjoying reading and have finished some amazing books. I am always reading self-help or inspirational story as well as a good suspense or fiction novel. If you have a great book to recommend shoot me a message.

I want to thank those of you who stood beside me through my journey. I want to thank those of you who continue to inspire me! I want to say thank you for the amazing outpouring of positive feedback I have received since I started this dream job! I am blown away by how many people have reached out to me. Thank you all so very much!!

Biking my way to positivity!

When I was kid I grew up in a small town, on a little street where all the neighbours looked out for each other. I remember biking up and down the street, for hours on end after a long day at school and pretty much all summer long.

I struggled with removing my training wheels from my bike. I admit I was terrified at the thought of two wheels. Four felt so safe. As a child already, the “what ifs” haunted me. What if I fell of my bike? What if I got hurt? What if my injuries were serious? What if I had to go to see a doctor? It took a lot of convincing from my older brother and my dad but in time I did it. I removed my training wheels, a force to be reckoned with. I was a wild chick on two wheels. My first bike was a beautiful navy blue colour with a white banana seat. Between having an older brother and the boys next door I learned how to take my bike off some pretty sweet jumps, ride with no hands and pop a wheelie. Being a kid this is about as cool as it gets. I felt I was unstoppable.

I used to bike with my friends to the local stores. We were able to ride pretty much all over our little town. We used to head to the local park and watch the waterfalls, then ride the bike trail along the river. I always enjoyed when we found a new path or discovered some place new. Over the years I went through a lot of bikes and bike accessories. I loved the beads you put in your spokes to make the bike sound louder. Some of my friends put cards in their bike wheels because they thought they sounded like motorbikes. I had a basket to carry all my toys. It’s important when you’re a kid to take your favourite doll or “stuffie” along on an adventure. I had a bell and oh boy did I ring it!

Biking was what made me feel free, as a child, and let me discover and go new places. When I became a teenager with a driver’s license and I bought a car, I forgot about my love of biking. I had a new need for speed and a new way to discover and go new places.

My son is six years old and he has already removed his training wheels. He’s much braver than I was. He wipes out a lot (he got my need for speed and my accident prone ways). He has had his fair share of injuries but he always gets right back on that bike. We live close to some cool parks. When he had his training wheels on his bike I was able to keep up to him walking, but not now the boy has a need for speed. He asked me to go biking with him but, I wasn’t sure I would be able to bike. I haven’t been on a bike since I was a kid and with my back injury I was worried about the pain. I started my search for a comfy cruiser bike. Guess what kind of bike I found? Oh yes, a Cadillac cruiser bike. Oh heck yes, it’s got a big Caddy symbol on the front. As soon as my butt hit that comfy seat I lost all fears and I felt that freedom I felt as a child. My heart is so full. Biking with my son and exploring new places together has been amazing.

This summer I decided to buy a hybrid bike with an upgraded more comfortable seat and I checked out some new trails. I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to bike or how much my back would handle. It was pretty rough going at the start. I could only bike small amounts, every part of me hurt. I was thinking I made a huge mistake spending the money on a hobby I couldn’t do without pain. I soon caught myself being negative and turned it around. I didn’t have to go far. I just had to go. I pushed myself and I completed my goal of 60kms this summer. I actually did way more than 60kms. I am proud of myself. I had so much fun.

My east coast cousin was home this summer; she’s all about fitness so we took some awesome tours together. It was a lot of fun biking and catching up. This girl is going to go places watch out world! My granny, oh granny she accompanied me with her customized big horse saddle pad seat cover, luxury comfort. I think she’s onto something with this comfort upgrade. It makes it next level cruising. I have to admit she was just a going! Granny biked much faster and further and I thought she would. This lady is amazing, broken pelvis won’t stop her; she just comes up with creative ways to join in on the fun. She took me to some of the coolest places. Granny lives in wine country, cheers to that. I had made a bucket list of 100 things I wanted to do, when I realized I had never been to a winery, granny said we can bike to some and oh we did. The laughs we shared oh goodness so many laughs and delicious wines.

Biking has allowed me to clear my head, and to explore cool places at a slower pace. I have seen some amazing scenery along the way and taken some amazing pictures. (I took all the pictures on my website) Biking has improved my health, as much as it hurt to start, I am glad I stuck with it.

Thank you to everyone who has joined me on bike tours this season. Cheers to many more bike tours!!

I left my heart on Vancouver Island…

My first trip to Vancouver Island was to meet my Uncle Merv (my dad’s brother) and his wife my Auntie Gay. At the time they lived in a place called Qualicum Beach. I could not believe my eyes because from their house you walked to the end of the street, cross a four lane highway and boom you are at the Pacific Ocean. The freaking Pacific Ocean was practically in their back yard. I could spend my lifetime walking up and down the beach, beach-combing for treasures. Some of my favourite memories are walking the beach with my grandma Davis. We would spend hours finding the neatest treasures; I still have a sand dollar we found together. I was shocked to learn that star fish are purple. I love star fish and purple has always been my favourite colour!
Every visit I made to Vancouver Island growing up left me yearning to move. I wanted to call the Island my home. My heart felt like it belonged on the Island. To feel the salt of the ocean hit my skin makes me feel whole.

I did end up moving to Nanaimo B.C. where my aunt, uncle and cousins lived at the time and I made it work for about a year in 2008. I was supposed to get married here in Ontario and everything came crashing down on me. I knew that marrying this person was not right for me. I was not living the life I dreamed of; I was filled with negativity. I had long lost the person I wanted to be. I was working dead end jobs and had lost the passion in my life. I was barely getting through each day. To me each day felt like the worst day of my life, stuck on a horrible repeat cycle. It was a cycle that I couldn’t seem to stop, or escape from. I was so unhappy and felt so lost. I finally decided enough was enough and I packed up my suitcases. I boarded a flight as far west as I could go; headed for a place that had always held my heart. I called my Island family who I had not seen in many years. When you adult and your parents don’t pay for your vacations well I seemed to take less. I laced up my running shoes and ran from a future I couldn’t dream of living. I am a runaway bride. Maybe I should have a movie made about my life, ha; I wonder who would be cast in my role? (Granny, who helps me edit thinks Allison Janney would play me in the movie).

I remember when the plane took off I broke out crying. Full on ugly crying. Immediately I was hit with worry. What if I messed up my life? What if I couldn’t start over? What if I failed again? What if I didn’t pack enough? What if I couldn’t find a job? What if I couldn’t find a place to live? What if people didn’t like me? What if I lost who I was? I often wonder if these thoughts ran through my Opa’s mind when he boarded his boat headed for Canada? I admit I was scared to make this change in my life, but I was absolutely terrified to stay in Ontario and run my failed marriage tape to the end. Turns out when you run from your problems no matter how beautiful the new surrounding are, no matter how far you run, how fast you run, you will still have those same problems. The ocean did its best to heal my heart but I had not learned how to erase my negative self-talk and it was eating away at me. I struggled with finding a job, a place to live, I was running out of money, my car constantly broke down, I was always sick and truthfully I missed Ontario. It’s the only home I have ever known. I would not change my experience on the west coast for the world. My dream of being a west coast island girl had come to an end much sooner than I had dreamed. It’s true it didn’t work out as I had first planned but, my dream is not gone, it has just changed. My time on the Island taught me so many lessons and brought me closer to my Island family. I wouldn’t say I failed so much as I gained an amazing experience.

As much as I miss the Island I am glad to be back in Ontario. If I stayed in British Columbia I wouldn’t have my son! I will always have a place to call home with family on the island. I do believe everything has a way of working out for the best.

Oh, my Island family they are some of the greatest people you could ever meet. I am so lucky to call them my family. My Uncle Merv is one of the funniest people you will ever meet. He is just a grown up hiding in a kid’s body. His big smile is contagious; you cannot be in a bad mood in this man’s presence. His jokes and great sense of humour will make you laugh until it hurts to laugh. He has a huge heart and I know he loves his family more than anything because I am lucky enough to be a part of his family. He will forever be my favourite uncle. My son and Uncle Merv share the same birthday, granted a few years in between. My auntie Gay is one of the sweetest people. Her kindness radiates from the moment you meet her. I would say she is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. You could watch wheel of fortune with her, the board would have two letters and she would be able to solve the puzzle. I used to think she cheated, but, no I found out she’s just that good! When I watch wheel of fortune it could be down to all the letters filled in but the last two and I would still get it wrong. She is a woman of natural talent. I have one of her beautiful paintings hanging up in my home. Oh and goodness we can’t forget that time I went to aqua fit with her. To say she kicked my ass would be an understatement. She too loves her family more than anything. Auntie Gay showed me how important having great people surrounding you truly is. Both my aunt and uncle welcomed me into their beautiful home. They gave me the biggest hugs and helped me more than they will ever know. They taught me not only how to love myself but how to love and show kindness to others. Thank you Auntie and Uncle! I also have three wonderful Island cousins. Christopher, oh you never know where he will be or what he will be doing but, whatever he is doing he always drops it and come to visit when family is around. I have never had an Island visit where he didn’t show up, enjoy catching up, and end with a hug. I’m coming back for an off road jeep adventure! Jana, oh you just know you will be laughing with this girl. I wanted to be her when I was a kid. I thought she was one cool chick. On one of our trips she was wearing the most beautiful outfit. It was a plaid sun dress and she rocked it. When I came home I had my Oma make me one just like it. Jana you have always been and still are a picture of beauty to me. Last but nearest and dearest to my heart is Shenoah (Noah). We are cousins, but, also I believe we are soul sisters! She’s my favourite road trip buddy! Her son Ryley is everything I hope my son turns out to be. You are amazing! Noah is older than me but the smaller version of me. We are so much alike it makes me smile. This girl is the most beautiful person I know. Noah is the picture of strength and determination. I aspire to be the woman she is.
My Island family changed me for the better.

As I headed back to Ontario I never forgot their kindness towards me, the love they passed along and all the laughs oh goodness I needed those laughs. I met some of the most amazing people on the Island and I would like to say thank you to each and every one of them for all the amazing memories. Here is too many more trips to the Island and to a place that forever holds my heart. I will be back soon!