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How did I get so lucky to be your mom….

I feel like I have won the lotto. Not the money lotto where I need to figure out how to spend 60 million dollars, trust me I could do that. Challenge accepted ha. I have always had a vision of striking it rich. I have always had a dream where I am yelling “I am rich”, but now that I think of it I don’t remember seeing any money. I guess my life is filled with love and amazingness and that is better than winning any lotto. My heart is full and our lives are happy.

Truth is I was scared to death to be a mom. I always just wanted and envisioned my life with pets. I made it to 30 and was kid free with the puppy of my dreams. You son were a game changer. I struggled before you were born because I knew I would be doing this alone. Accepting the role as mother then single mother was a role I wasn’t sure I could pull off. You only gave me a couple months to prepare for the role of a lifetime. I decided I had 2 options to give you up or get real. I was 30 going on 31 and I knew I had to adjust my crown say my acceptance speech and do this. Buckle up life was about to get very real.

Raising you has been my biggest accomplishment. It started off rough. I was told you were going to be special needs. My labour was difficult. My mind was going a million miles a minute. My life was not in a good place. I was terrified if I failed now I wasn’t only failing myself I was failing you. I was pretty sure Charles our dog was gonna be jealous he had been my baby for almost a year. A puppy and a baby what was I thinking?

I cried a lot of tears and laughed so much it hurt. Raising you has tested all my patience and opened my world up to so many new experiences. You were a baby who didn’t like to sleep and who threw up everything he ate. Oh the laundry I had to do. Every time you cried our dog Charleston howled, oh and we lived in an apartment so our neighbours loved us. Before you my days seemed to go on forever, so many hours to fill. After you came along the days flew by and I never felt like I got enough done.

When I look at you now I can’t believe you are 7 years old. How did you go from the tiny 5 pound baby wearing preemie clothes to this handsome young man in the first grade who’s reading, writing and is a mad building machine.

You have changed and grown so much over the years son and I couldn’t be prouder. You are a kind gentle soul. You are not afraid to talk to anyone. You are always striking up a conversation wherever we go. Just recently at Costco we sat down to eat and you picked a table and talked to the wonderful couple beside us for an hour. You got to know where they are from, about the kids, grand kids, pets, why they were out shopping, what they had for lunch, what they like to do. You make friends and touch people’s lives where ever we go.

Before you could talk you used to have epic melt downs where you slowly and carefully placed yourself on the ground and would loose it. It was hard to know what you wanted without words but thankfully you said your first word at 10 months and it was mom. I was so proud and instantly regretting teaching you mom because it’s all you said. Mom mom mom mom mom. Second word dog, oh watching you and Charleston grow up together was the sweetest. Third word, well they can’t be all good words. Oh goodness, I said I accepted the role as single mother not that I was getting an award for it.

Once you could talk you never quit. You talk allllll day every day all 365 days sometimes even in your sleep. I am still shocked when your teachers say you can be quiet in class. I knew you would fit right in at school and be a social butterfly in everyone’s conversations young and old.

You have had so many career dreams and life changing plans that you doodle up. I cannot wait to see where life takes you. You have the soul of a wise old man and I know whatever you decide to do you will be successful it in. You are a dreamer and a creator just like your Opa.

You have an amazing way with people but an even more amazing way with animals. You are a pet whisperer. You are not afraid of any animals. I took you to the zoo as a toddler and you walked right up the camels, bears, lions, tigers, and all the other big animals no fear. You had the polar bear waving to you.

When you go to Opa’s farm even as a toddler you always wanted to get right in with granny’s horses. You are always so patient and kind and keep talking to them. Even when I am a bit nervous they could push you over or step on you, you remind me that if you keep talking and move slowly horses won’t hurt you. Granny’s 3 horses still always play and try to take your hat and bite your coat and you just laugh and talk to them it’s adorable to watch.

You took in a rescue cat Noah. Oh Noah, the black cat that we were told wasn’t going to make it is living the posh life. The way you pet and talk to that cat melts my heart with cuteness. He is a lucky cat to have you as his owner. I want to come back as your spoiled pet in the next life; constant cuddles, treats and playing games.

You and the corgis, oh goodness so many pictures of you and Charleston, the double trouble crew. Now with all pink, glitter, crowns and gems, the way you care for and talk to Queen Kelsey. Oh stop it my heart can’t take anymore. To watch you at the corgi meet ups is too freaking adorable. Animals just love you.

I know sometimes without your biological dad in your life you feel like your world is small. This is one of the reasons why I took you on a tour of B.C., to meet so many more members of our family. Everyone who met you instantly loved you. Now when I was thinking of taking a trip without you no one wanted me to visit unless you were with me. You son you are unforgettably amazing. You make a lasting positive impression on everyone you meet. I know this will take you far in life. I promise to always be right here cheering you on! I am so proud to call you my son.

Thank you Daniel I love you to the moon and back.

I believe…

The month of January seemed so long. I was so excited for the year 2020. I dreamed of this year as a child. I remember using a calculator to figure out I would be 38 years old in the year 2020. I remember wondering if I would be alive. I used to think being 30 was so old and once you hit 30 your life was over. Little did I know my life just started to take off at 30.

In an earlier blog I mentioned my 30th birthday gift to myself was my dog Charleston, aka Charles, Charlie, Chuck, Pupparonies. He was the best dog I ever had and the only dog who ever understood me. He celebrated every day when I came through the door and I never knew how much I would truly miss this greeting. Charleston passed away in my arms on his 8th birthday in our house that he loved so very much. I know that if love could have saved Charleston, he would have lived forever.

I believe I did the best thing in ending your suffering. I believe you needed to pass in my arms as much as I needed it. I believe you ran so fast for that rainbow bridge. I believe that night when the most beautiful sunset came over your grave looking out on the lake, you made it. As I write about you weeks later I am still crying. When you were here you always licked my tears which make me laugh and cheer up. I miss your comfort. Our house seemed so quiet without you. Everywhere I looked I missed you. I made a cup of tea and realized it was in a corgi mug. Our whole house is covered in corgi decor. My car has corgi decor. I would have given anything to have you back.

I believe the day after you passed Sir Charleston your little human, my son Daniel found your sister online. In what can only be described as a wild mistake. Dan came home asking “how long do Pomeranians live for?” His friend at school said his dog is 100. Which made me cry some more, because I wish dogs could live to be 100. Dogs love us unconditionally like no other and leave us far too early. When we googled how long Pomeranians live Dan clicked the first link which was a dog rescue site in the USA. Dan looked at the corgis. I couldn’t my tears were so heavy. The last corgi on the site looked like your twin, Charles her name was Kelsey and she needed a permanent home. We both thought it was a picture of you on our deck. She was the only corgi in Canada who needed a home and was an hour from us. Dan immediately wanted me to e-mail, to call, to find out more. My broken heart I couldn’t. I spent days lying in bed with your blanket, the last dog toy you gave me, talking to your pictures and sitting at your grave. Loosing a dog who is your best friend, well there is no way to describe it, it just sucks. I swore the day you passed away Charles I would never have another dog because no matter the dog we got, it would never compare to the love you had. I swore I could never relive putting a dog down. I almost drown in my own tears. Sweet Charles you meant the world to me.

Kelsey, oh Queen Kelsey, I couldn’t get you off my mind. Dan bugged and bugged until I called. I immediately asked how old you were and the sweet lady who had you told me you just turned 8 and I knew we had to meet you. START THE CAR! We were on our way to meet you. I honestly didn’t think my heart could take this. Dan said he needed this to heal his broken heart. I had Charles before Dan so they grew up getting into trouble. Charles always watched over his little human. Charles was my shadow I never went anywhere without him attached to me. When I left the house he lay down at the door and waited. Kelsey immediately loved us but she stuck like glue to Dan. She looks identical to Charles and even has the white circle on the back of her neck. She is the smaller girl version of Charles. She has been home with us almost 2 weeks and she is Dan’s shadow. If he moves she’s right on him. If he’s not home, she’s the saddest dog in the world. Kelsey has all the same behavior problems. She wants no part of any other pets. She’s aggressive and a loud mouth. She freaks out when noise is too loud. Charles would howl when the noise got too loud. She runs around barking like a crazy dog. If I pretended to wrestle or grab Dan, Charles would bite me. Kelsey the exact same thing. You do not touch Dan.

As much as I swore I could never do this again. I am so in love with Queen Kelsey. Dan picked out her collar and it’s pink with glitter crowns and a glitter bow. He picked out her name tag and it has a crown and says the Queen. He engraved her tag Queen Kelsey. You walked into our home after your 8th birthday like you own it. You are exactly what we both needed to heal our broken hearts. We went from endless crying to constant laughter. We love you so very much because you remind us so very much of your brother.

Side note: I do not have Kelsey’s breeder’s record. I do not know where she came from. I know I drove almost 6 hours one way to this small town of Blyth Ontario in 2012 to purchase Charles. He was the last puppy in his litter and was not sold because of the size of his ears. I did not know of many breeders in 2012. Corgis have since blown up and are popular dogs. I get it they are amazing dogs.

I am so very blessed to have had the most amazing King and now the most amazing Queen. Welcome to your forever home girl. Thanks for being a part of our family! As I write this blog I am crying with all the memories and whirlwind of the last few weeks have brought me. I look down and there is Queen Kelsey right beside me only because Dan’s at his grandmas but it’s exactly where Charles used to lay when I did my writing. Oh my heart.

Thank you to my granny who stood with me as I had to put Charles down. I have never met anyone who understands animals like you. Thank you to Meredith who makes at home vet calls and was able to come on short notice. You were exactly what I needed to survive the day. Thank you Meredith for making a donation in Charleston’s honour. It means the world to me that you provide this service. I believe every pet should pass at home in our loving arms. Thank you to Dianne for allowing us to meet and adopt Kelsey’s. Thank you for allowing me to cry in your kitchen as I told you about Charles. Thank you for making a donation in Charles honour to the rescue where we found Kelsey. Thank you to Whoozagooddog Kingston and all the wonderful corgis and owners from the Kingston corgi group. The party you had in honour of Charles was beautiful and meant the world to us. Thank you Charleston Rupertly Corgshire, for being the best dog for 8 wonderful years. You will forever be our King. Thank you Queen Kelsey for coming into our lives. Here’s to living out your best years being spoiled as our Queen.

Change…

Change is all around us. Life is forever changing and testing us in every way possible. Sometimes we choose to make a change and sometimes without warning life hands us a change. Every change in life is an experience that can be taken in many different directions, depending on how you deal with the given change.
Sometimes change is the greatest gift. Sometimes change sends us off in a direction we never dreamed. Sometimes change leaves us in a puddle of tears. Sometime changes test us on our patience, strength or determination. Sometimes change leaves us smiling. Sometime change leaves us wondering why.

Change tests our reactions. I used to only know how to react quickly and negatively. I was the “yeller”, the fighter, the “always have to be right” kinda gal. Truth is when I was in my darkest state I used to become paralyzed with fear over even a slight change in my life. When something or someone changed, I thought I had to fight it. I became a dramatic mess because I couldn’t cope with change. I viewed changing as the scariest thing to happen in life. I lived in a tiny bubble of comfort and I never wanted to change. I liked to be the fighting victim in a sad story. A sad story I wrote. A sad story I didn’t know how to change into a positive one. I thought this is my story and this is it. But, it is never too late to change your story.

Sucked into negativity and hate I was honestly just terrified to change. I wasn’t able to view change in the amazing positive way I can now. I view change as a positive growth. My life is forever changing and I think at how grateful I am to have experience it all. I am grateful to have survived and to be enjoying every single day I am given. I now look forward to the changes coming in my life. I now feel that even the changes that aren’t going the way I planned are a great learning platform. Changes have taught me to slow down and think. Sometimes I have to think outside of the box and get creative. Sometimes I have to think outside my comfort zone for a way to make this change work. Change is now a great opportunity to network, to meet new people, to work together, to embrace and enjoy life. Change is always around us. Figure out the best way to tackle and make this change work.

My whole world suddenly changed when I almost died. I almost died at the hands of someone who promised to love me forever and left me for dead. I almost died at the hands of myself because I couldn’t cope with my repetitive negative thoughts. I almost died because I felt like no one would save me. I almost died before I realized the only person who could save me was me. I had to rise up. I had to get up. I had to show up. I had to fight for the change I wanted in my life. I had to believe in myself. I had to fight for myself. I had to make my life what I wanted. Would it have been easier to be the sad victim in my own story? Absolutely! Did I enjoy always being sad and missing out on life? I thought I did when I was in my darkest places I couldn’t imagine seeing my life any other way. The only thing I could see was death. Then it started with the “what ifs” creeping in and haunting me. I was ready to end this game of life.

You never know what life is going to hand you in the change department. Not every change can be a positive one. We must remember to deal with change slowly, make a plan and remind ourselves that we are doing our best. “Do your best and if your best isn’t good enough fuck it”. Not everyone would agree with all the changes I have made. I embrace other people’s opinions, feedback and comments both positive and negative but at the end of the day it’s my life and I am going to live it my way.

I have hopes and dreams. I am thankful for each day given to me. I try to make a positive glimmer of hope in someone’s day every day. I try to live with kindness in mind. I do the best I can and I just enjoy each day. Remember you are never to (whatever you are thinking) old, broke, worthless, ugly to make a change. I wish I would have had a life coach to help me make my biggest changes. It was a much longer road to do it myself. It was not an easy journey. I think it would have been awesome to have someone cheering me on and keeping me accountable to my goals. I think my journey would have been a lot more fun. More tears of laughter than sorrow. I want to be that cheer leader for you if you are feeling stuck. I want to motivate, inspire and get you to kick ass in this life too.
From tasting death to changing into the amazing person I am. I am here to say you can too. I believe in you! I am cheering you on. You got this. If I did it you can to. I am always here via email, text and phone.

I always like to end my blogs by being thankful. I like to remind myself and everyone else that we have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful that I kept fighting. I am thankful to experience each and every day with and open heart and a wise mind.

Write your truth…..Maybe write a book.

Truth is I have always had a love for writing. I wrote my first book complete with wallpaper cardboard cover in my early years of school. I used to love to write about my pony Dawn. She was my inspiration for writing when I was a kid. I have always been a tall girl but Dawn made me feel so small. I remember looking up to this great horse and thinking “wow, such a huge horse with such a beautiful heart”. That pony I used to ride around the farm telling her all my little kid problems. Oh goodness to have those problems now instead of the ones I struggled with as an adult. I think how soothing it would be to ride around just one more time and tell Dawn how my life turned out. I shared a lot of tears and good times with that old pony. She will forever be my pony the, old girl, who changed my heart forever.

I have always dreamed of writing a book. I have mulled around a ton of ideas. I have read so many great books in my lifetime and I still have so many on my list of must reads. The dream of writing my own book is still very real. Why not? What’s the worst that can happen? Failure? I’m no longer scared by what it means to fail, I know I can do my best and that is all I can do.

I have always had a journal that I write in. I need to write to express my thoughts and feelings. I have written a lot of dark sad poetry. I think I needed to write dark poems as a way to get my feelings out. I have always had a need to write so why not blog? It’s kinda like a journal only anyone can read it. AH! Anyone can tell you there thoughts and opinions. Point out your mistakes or send you wonderful words of encouragement. It has been an interesting experience so far. I have to say I am enjoying it all, taking it all as it comes.

When I released my website I decided to write one blog a week for a year, that’s my goal. Truth is I have never read a blog. I have no idea what I am doing. I am just doing my best and if my best isn’t good enough fuck it. I decided to just sit down week after week show up and write. I have no top secret writing time line or way of coming up with these ideas I just write whatever comes to my mind. Sometimes I could sit in my office with document open and nothing at all comes to my mind. I end up endlessly searching online and being distracted. Sometimes I sit down and a million ideas come flowing out. I type so fast I feel like my keyboard will catch on fire. I have my granny edit my work because I know my original draft is a hot mess.

My first idea was to write about Louise Hay, the lady who inspired my positive journey and my Opa, the man behind the motto because he is what the meaning of family is to me. He is always inspiring me to show up in life and do my best. I wanted to say thank you to him for all that he has done and continues to do. Then after writing my first blog I realized how thankful I am towards so many people.

My journey of life has not always been this fun or positive. I wasn’t always able to just realize how truly blessed I have been, even in my failures and that not everyone succeeds at everything they set out to do and that is okay. My Opa has always been a dreamer and an inventor and he has come up with some amazing ideas in his life time. He has built and created so many different things in life. He hasn’t always been successful. He too has failed but he always learned a valuable lesson from his failures. He always looks outside the box for another better way to do something again or make it better. To work with my Opa is a great honour he is amazing to watch. He is a dreamer and a creator.

I absolutely love reading stories of how people have overcome failures and risen up, that never give up! I have done that and it’s the greatest feeling. This beats any other feeling in the world. I chased a lot of unhealthy feelings with various addictions and unhealthy relationships. I can tell you nothing compares to this feeling. I am talking about the absolutely amazing feeling of accomplishment for living your best life every single day!

I enjoy writing these blogs and all your feedback! I will continue this journey and reach fifty two blogs, maybe more! I am just writing and seeing where it takes me.

Thank you to everyone who reads my blogs, who believe in me, who has reached out. I have had many wonderful conversations and memories shared. Thank you Opa, as always, for being my rock. Thank you granny for all your hard work not only editing but for everything you do.

Here is to many more great stories yet to come…as I keep writing my truth and maybe a book!

Today is the 20th day of January. I am behind on blogging due to the holidays, an illness and my dog passing away. My start to 2020 did not go as planned, so I wanted to share with you how I get through tough times.

I keep a picture frame beside my bed that I write on each and every day all the things I am grateful for. This reminds me to slow down and enjoy each day. It is the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. It starts and ends my day with a grateful heart. Seeing that picture frame reminds me how blessed l I am. I would like to share with you 20 things I am grateful for. I would love to hear 20 things you are grateful for.

1. My health. Despite catching the germs from work and my sons school I am blessed to have overall good health.

2. My son. He is such an amazing kid. So loving and outgoing. He reminds me to enjoy each and every day and to fill it with love. Thank you son!

3. My dog. Charleston you loved like no other. You were my heart dog. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

4. My house. I love where I live.

5. My job at the hospital. I love working somewhere different every shift. I am thankful for all the amazing coworkers I have met over the last 10 years.

6. Life coaching. This doesn’t feel like work. It is my passion. I have found my purpose in life.

7. Blogging. Has allowed me to share my messages and connected me with likeminded people.

8. Podcasts. Without podcasts I never would have discovered what a life coach is or became a life coach. I still wait all excited for new episodes of my favourite podcast!

9. My car. Yes it might lock me out, or roll away. It literally tests all my patience but without it I couldn’t get where I needed.

10. Food and clean water.

11. Family. My family tree is filled with nuts. They keep my life interesting and they love like no others.

12. Friends. Who are like family. I am blessed to have the greatest friends a girl could ever ask for.

13. Mistakes I have made and the lessons I have learned.

14. Travel. For all the places I have seen and all the places still on my bucket list.

15. Random acts of kindness that always bring a smile to my face.

16. A quite minute each and every day for reflection and meditation.

17. Heartbreaks. I love now more than ever because I know what it is like to have a broken heart.

18. My phone. It keeps me in touch with those near and far.

19. Sunrises and sunsets.

20. Birthdays. Today is one very special ladies birthday. Words can never describe how thankful I am for you. I am a better person because you are in my life.

No matter what happens in life or where life takes you slow down and be grateful. Take the time to appreciate the people in your life who make it better. Do random acts of kindness. Hug your dog. Love like there is no tomorrow.

Pack or unpack your bags…… let’s go!

Does the thought of traveling fill you with delight? Are you already dreaming of your next vacation? Or does the thought of traveling make you worried or anxious?

I absolutely love traveling. I love to see new places, discover a place off the beaten path. I love to try new food and I’m drooling at the thought of a delicious dessert. I am delighted to go away but there is no place like home and sleeping in your own bed. I am always happy to come back home!

I have been blessed with so many amazing adventures over the years. Some trips and locations I wish I could go back and re-do because I feel like my negativity clouded my enjoyment. I went but did I really enjoy it to fullest?

I love random road trips and getting lost in the moment and discovering something you didn’t even know was in the area. I love to discover the true beauty of a new destination, to find a hidden gem you never knew existed. That to me is the best part of a trip.

Flying has always given me a bit of fear. I struggle with sitting in that tiny seat for hours on end. I am a tall girl who struggles with leg room and getting in and out of the seat. I always hit my head. I am that girl who claps when the plane lands. If you have ever seen the movie alive you will appreciate arriving at your destination.

Before any trip the packing always gets me. Do you find yourself making lists? Or just throwing things together? Do you bring to many things? or not enough?

I make lists. I check them many times over. I always remember the important things like my identification, tickets, money, keys, wallet and phone. I always remind myself that if I forget something it’s not the end of the world. I can make do without it or surely in this day and age I can by something to get me through the trip.

Packing for a trip got me thinking about how much I pack around every day. My work backpack, I believe, I could survive out of it for weeks at a time. My purse is filled with survivor essentials too. I am guilty of over packing. Sometimes it hurts to carry so much around so why do I do it?

Packing got me thinking about mental baggage and the thoughts we pack around each and every day in our minds on repeat. The amount of wasted space we keep packed with such useless thoughts. Why can’t we let go? Why can’t we make better choices of what we carry around? YOU CAN!

I am guilty of having a hard time unpacking. When I get home from a trip I just dump everything into the laundry to wash, then dry and the easy part is done. I always avoid the folding and putting away because that’s the “not so fun” part. If it’s not easy or fun we tend to skip over it. I am guilty of it sometimes and even today I have laundry to put away. Spoiler alert I am not perfect! I don’t get everything done every day. I just do my best and if my best isn’t good enough fuck it. I don’t beat myself up for not getting everything done in a day. Did I accomplish a lot of things today? YES! Could I have done more? Oh yes absolutely. However I took time out for me. I believe having time for me makes me a better person and allows me to get more done tomorrow. Having time for your self is very important.

Unpacking mental baggage is probably some of the hardest work you can do. To learn to let go, to process the reasons for you carrying around your mental baggage is raw and real. I cried a lot during this process. When I started to learn about mental baggage, I didn’t think I had that much I was holding onto until I decided to write some of my negative repetitive thoughts down on post-it notes and put them in a bag. I am a visual learner and so I wanted to see just how many post-it notes I could write. I am here to tell you there aren’t enough post-it notes in my house and I love post-it notes. I always have them in all the colours! I could have more than filled a suitcase. I would have had to sit on the suitcase to close it. The suitcase probably would have split at the seams because it was that over packed. I would have been denied boarding at the airport it had that much in it.

I didn’t deal with all these thoughts in a day, a month or even a year. It will always be a lifetime process. I still have to stop myself and shut down a negative thought or deal with it in the moment. Stuck in negativity I was never able to do that. When you live in doom and gloom you attract more doom and gloom and you get stuck. You cannot see a way out. Life passes you by sure you live it but you don’t love it or really enjoy it. I know I let a lot of years pass me by. I know I will not let another year go by wasted.

Lately I have been rocking the saying “Let go. Let the positivity flow”. I absolutely love this idea. I decided to take all my negative thought post-it notes I had and I re write them into positive sayings.

I challenge you to re write the way you think. To turn your negative heavy unwanted metal baggage into the light airy positive thoughts I carry around with me. What are you waiting for? Get packing and let’s go!

I cannot give away all my tips and tricks in my blogs but feel free to get in touch today. I am here to help you become the best positive version of yourself!

Thank you to everyone who has traveled with me! I look forward to more trips in the years to come. Thank you to all of those who have helped me on my un-packing journey to destroy negative thoughts. Thank you to all of those who continue to inspire me. I am so lucky to have such wonderful inspiring people in my life.

One thing….

I was recently driving with my son and my niece Aria and the song that came on was Finger Eleven One Thing. I absolutely love this song so I immediately started singing. While I was singing my heart out I got to the part that goes:

“If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
just for one thing”

My niece Aria immediately says, “If I could trade it all for one thing it would be the ability to time travel”. Interested I had to know what her destination with time travel could possibly be. Aria’s time travel destination would be to the age of thirteen. Thirteen? Why thirteen? Aria believes at the age thirteen she will be able to do whatever she wants. Oh my goodness, her parents better buck up, her teenage years are gonna be interesting.

My son’s time travel destination would either be to the age of 16 so he
can drive a truck, or the age of 100 so he can experience what it is like to be an old man. He is obsessed with getting old.

Let me tell you it was hard to keep the car on the road I got laughing so hard at those time travel answers. Then the question came, “Auntie what would you want if you could have one thing?” That question really made me stop and think. What is one thing I have always wanted? What is something I would trade everything for?

In the thick of darkness before I was blessed with being a mom the one thing I wanted was to die. If you asked me when this song game out in the year 2003 what I wanted, my answer would be very different than the answer I have today nearing 2020. In 2003 I wanted the pain of being alive to stop. I wanted the thoughts that haunted me to go away. I couldn’t see any other option. I wanted out. I thought my life was over and I let so many valuable wasted years pass me by, because I didn’t embrace my failures. I added it all to my own very tragic story. I thought my book was one big long depressing story. A story no one would want to read. I didn’t know I could start a new chapter or start over completely fresh. I didn’t know I could write a different more positive book. I didn’t know that my ending could be a happy one. If I died today I would die happy. The biggest part of re writing my book is the ability to let go and let positivity flow.

The life I have created now and going in to 2020, is the best version of me. I am living my best self. I have battled so many demons and seen the depths of darkness. I have tasted death. I think back on all the accidents I have been in and all the stupid things I have done. All the things I did to harm myself and I think if I could time travel I would go back to being a teenager not because I would want to change anything but because that’s where my darkness started. I would hug teenage me. I would tell myself how much I love myself.

When I think of time travel I think of the movie 13 going on 30. Where she goes into the closet at a birthday party and wakes up 30, which was her birthday wish. I could probably recite every line of this movie. I have watched it that many times. I absolutely love the part where her boyfriend dances to Vanilla Ice Ice Baby! If you have not seen 13 going on 30 stop everything and watch it.
I always thought how cool it would be to be 30 when I was growing up it seemed so far away. I wonder what would I have learned if I could have skipped from being 13 right into being 30? What would I have thought about my life? On my 30th birthday I had just gotten the corgi puppy of my dreams. Oh Charles! I was in a messed up situation. I was doing fairly good and then darkness my old friend pulled me back in. Truth is 30 did me in. I started regretting my life thinking only of my failures. Turning 30 tested everything I had in me to give. I found out I was going to be a mom from a very unhealthy relationship, which ultimately left me to be a single mom. Becoming a single mom was my biggest fear. I was terrified I would fail as a mother. I think if I skipped from 13 to 30 I wouldn’t have wanted to grow up ha-ha.

Becoming a single mom has been by far the greatest accomplishment of my life. I have the most amazing son. Yes, sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out, but for the most part he is such a kind loving (old) soul and I am blessed to be his mom. I couldn’t be any more proud of our little family and all of our accomplishments. I cannot wait to see what our future holds but for right now we embrace and enjoy as much as we can of each day.

Now I am closer to 38 than anything and I do not hold any regrets. I am happy for how my life played out. I wouldn’t change anything or I wouldn’t be who I am today. I celebrate my darkness and embrace what it has taught me. I learn from my mistakes and I am going to rock the future. I am a force to be reckoned with. I love myself. I love my life.

Time travel is an amazing idea but don’t rush life. Enjoy the simple moments. Remember that bad times are just temporary and change is always an option. Learn to love yourself and everything in life becomes easier.

Aunties are like moms only cooler…

I am so lucky to have had a childhood with an Aunt who was way cooler than my mom. My Auntie Kirsten, my mom’s younger sister, was that auntie. I have no idea why I called her Auntie Jean as a kid, apparently I couldn’t say Kirsten? Most of my childhood pictures from the 80s, auntie appeared to be smoking. I don’t remember her smoking but she looked so cool in the pictures. She never wore the same clothes twice. She had an outfit for every occasion. Kirsten always had the latest and greatest hair-do. She was a hair dresser and a fashionista. As a kid in the 80s she was my role model and my confidant. She cut my hair and helped me style my clothes. She pierced my ears. I dreamed of being just like her when I was a kid. I would crank Cyndi Lauper and dance around dreaming of one day being as cool as Auntie Jean.

Kirsten still inspires me to this day. She always taught me to be weird, wild, and unique but most of all too always be myself. I have had every hair cut I think you can have. I have had my hair all the colours of the rainbow. I have always preferred my hair short and she has helped me find so many amazing short hair cuts that make me feel confident. When Kirsten cut her hair off short, we almost had matching haircuts for a while. Now I dunno if I am still trying to be like her or if she’s trying to be like me. I got my love of fashion from my auntie. I even did a little modeling as a teenager. Shocker but I chose not to follow that path. I didn’t like to be other people’s version of beauty. I just have always wanted to be me.

Auntie Kirsten is the girl you want to go shopping with, despite her being painfully cheap, she will hit a thrift store and for a limited amount you will come out looking like a million bucks. She has an eye for fashion like I have never seen. Recently granny and I met her at a store where she arrived first and had so many amazing things set aside. I have more boots that I will ever need. I love a good boot. If you need fashion advice for any budget available I can arrange that she can be your cool auntie too.

I have many aunties out west in B.C. but I didn’t grow up with them smoking at my birthday parties and giving me weird haircuts and fashion advice. They are also cool just not in the same way as my one and only Ontario auntie.

When I found out I was going to be an auntie for the first time I was just a teenager, but I vowed to be like Auntie Jean, that cool auntie. I wanted to always be the fun one that my nephew would want to hang out with. My first nephew Landon forever changed my life. I didn’t know what love was until I saw this cutie. My heart instantly melted and I was so in love. To be an aunt is such a great honour. Landon forever changed my life by giving me a reason to keep going. Teenage years can suck. I wanted to watch him grow up. I wanted to always sing our hearts out in the car. From the time he was little he would just belt out song lyrics. He would always ask if I had his music when I picked him up. He would make music request after music request mostly “Presidents of the United States of America” oh the” kitty” song on repeat, haha. I still always crank the tunes and make him sing anytime were in a car together. Landon is now an adult who, after years of bugging, has a driver’s license and a job. He has grown up way to fast. He continues to make me proud. I still run and hug him every time I see him. I mean like “run and jump you better catch me I love you more than anything” auntie hug.

I am also an auntie to three awesome nephews who live in British Columbia. Christian, Delane and Diego. Oh boys you are the best. I am super sad we didn’t get the chance to grow up closer and spend more time having fun but you make every trip I make to B.C a million times more fun. From the time I first met all three of you, all of you have just been so accepting. You three have always kept in touch thanks in part by your mom and dad. You have kept me busy and always have me laughing. I am thankful with technology I can bug you all the time.

My last trip out west with my son I was over joyed to be able to take Christian on a road trip. He will tell you I almost killed him with my driving but it’s not true. We had a blast driving around in my rental Kia Soul visiting our families. You will forever be my son’s best buddy! Christian just graduated high school and is on to the next big chapter of life. I cannot wait to see what you do next. This kid is amazing at anything you need fixed or built. No project is too big.

Delane is smartest person I know. I have spent my whole life trying to solve a Rubik’s cube. This guy in no time flat, boom solved, like it’s no big deal. He’s an amazing artist. His drawings should be displayed in a fancy museum. He talked to me about video games I smiled and nodded but I have no idea what we were talking about. Oh and speaking of no idea what he’s talking about he learned Japanese. This nephew constantly amazes me. This is nephew I will be calling when I struggle with my son’s homework.

Diego the baby of the family he is the outdoors man. He would live outside if you let him. He shared with me many awesome adventure stories. I wanna come back and dirt bike with him. I absolutely enjoyed our long kayak adventure. He is the little brother who is glad he was the last boy. He thought my son was a lot because he was like the annoying little brother he never got haha. He made me laugh so much it hurt. He had a great idea for me to come back every year like an anniversary but it’s an “aunt” iversary. I just love this idea. Party every time I come back!

Last but not least finally after 4 nephews I have 1 niece, Aria. Aria is only a couple months apart from my son in age and they spend a lot of time together. Sometimes they even fight like brother and sister- like my brother and I used to as kids. I am so glad we have kids the same age that can grow up and enjoy times together. Aria reminds me how awesome it is to have a girl in the mix of all the boys. She’s cool and cut her hair off and was rocking a “faux hawk”. She hates to wear clothes, she’s wild and crazy, and she absolutely loves science and gross things. She makes me laugh a lot with her funny stories. She is her own girl wild and free. I have more auntie competition with this girl because she also has 3 other aunties but I vow to always be the best auntie ever. The cool auntie!

Thank you Auntie Kirsten for always being you! Thank you for always giving me fashion advice and cool hair-dos. Thank you for being an amazing GREAT auntie to my son. You took that promotion seriously. (As I finish this blog were heading to aunties house for lunch. My son will be in the hot tub)

Thank you to my amazing nephews and my niece. You five make every day the best. You always keep me smiling, laughing and grateful for you all being a part of my life. Love you all so very much! Thanks for having me your auntie. I am blessed.

Take me to my happy place…….

I love the saying, “when you are upset just go to your happy place”. The first therapist I ever saw always said to picture your happy place. When I was mad and stuck in negativity it was hard to picture anywhere nice or, to see anything good. When I closed my eyes I didn’t wanna see, I wanted to forget. Once I finally got to a place where I could visualize. I would close my eyes and I could see me sitting on a beach. The sun would be shining down on me, making my skin glow and keeping me warm. I could feel the breeze off the water making my hair messy. I could see my feet buried in the sand. I could hear the waves crashing on shore. I could look out and see a huge body of water with an island off in the distance. I feel completely satisfied alone in a place of paradise. I always remember going to my happy place alone. The thought of being alone until now has always terrified me.

When I moved to Vancouver Island I was obsessed with being near the ocean. I truly thought the ocean would heal my broken heart. I needed to be close to the ocean or to see it every day. My biggest regret about my time on the Island is that I never made it to Tofino. Truth is I was so stressed out. I was still so negative. I was focused on what was not working out for me instead of making things work for me. I could only see what I didn’t have, not what I did. I felt like I failed. I was stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and was only seeing the negativity. I ultimately set myself up for failure. I had not yet discovered the way to change my thinking and change my life. I was stuck playing the victim in my own sad story. I didn’t know I could rewrite my ending and that this didn’t have to last forever. I thought starting over just meant running away to a place where people knew less about me. I thought if I just forgot about my problems they would go away. I didn’t know how to deal with my problems in a healthy way. I packed my problems up so tightly and carried them around for way to long. I got caught in a cycle of all things negative. I created a world that wouldn’t work for me. I was my own worst enemy. I was terrified to go back to the Island and visit my Island family because I thought I was such a failure. I came back to Ontario and I messed up my life a whole lot more.

I decided in 2018 I am going back to Vancouver Island. I wanted to show my son the beauty of British Columbia and introduce him to some of his most wonderful family members. My son’s world sometimes seems small because all he has is my side of the family. Our family here sometimes seems small, but my family in British Columbia, oh goodness, there are so many of them. I don’t even know in all in my trips and all my travels if I have met everyone yet.

On July 12, 2018 while visiting my Island family my cousin Noah suggested a trip to Tofino and I almost cried I was that excited and happy to finally be able to go. I got to experience Tofino on the most beautiful July day. The sky was endless sunshine. The ocean was wavy and surfers were out enjoying the perfect day. I always pictured myself enjoying a day in Tofino alone just me and the ocean. I am glad I never made it alone and filled with negativity. I never would have appreciated it like I did with my cousin and my son by my side. We shared so many smiles, laughs and stories that day I will never forget how much fun the three of us had. I laugh now thinking how it all worked out for the best. Life just has a way of always working out for the best when you’re living a life of positivity!

While sitting on long beach looking out at a little island I said, “this is what I see when I go to my happy place”. Funny story right where I was sitting behind me the house on the ocean was for sale. I took a picture and have been dreaming of this house ever since. I have my original picture and the online Realtor listing on my vision wall. I just need a big lottery win!
Tofino is my destination dream place. Tofino is a place that I have seen for years in my visions of what my happy place looks like. It is a place I dream to visit again someday. A place I hope to share with my cousin Noah and my son. When I go to my happy place I can see the three of us sitting on the beaching laughing and everything in life is good.

My everyday happy place is in the corner of my living room in my chaise chair looking out the window towards Lake Ontario. This is the perfect place to enjoy a cup of tea, to watch a show, to read a book, to dream up my next idea. When I moved to my house three years ago now, I had a long list of wants and wishes but most importantly I needed to be able to see the water. Something about the water just fills my heart with happiness. I am a water sign. I go down to the water pretty much every day and I just breathe in the beauty of it all. The lake is ever changing and beautiful in all the seasons.

I am beyond grateful to have experienced Tofino on such a beautiful day with two of my favourite people. Thank you to Noah and thank you to my son. I cannot wait until we can do it again. It’s not a goodbye, it’s a see you later kinda moment. I am thankful to have such a beautiful place and to live to have my own little happy place in my house. I spend a few minutes each day in my happy place dreaming. I am thankful to myself for all the hard work I have done to make it to this moment in life. When you find your positive light life becomes easier. Make your life your happy place.

Holding on to negativity will do you no good……

Recently I wondered “how many thoughts a day do we have that are negative”?

I googled “how many thoughts a day are negative?” The first thing that popped up was; “According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. If we repeat those negative thoughts, we think negative way more than we think positive thoughts.”

I have to say I was blown away by these results. I assumed around half of our thoughts were negative but 80%. Holy heck, that’s a huge number. Repetitive thoughts that we think over and over again until we drive ourselves mad. I know I have been there done that.

If we are not born with these negative thoughts, where do they come from? I believe my negative thoughts came from listening to everyone else but myself. I believed in what others said about me, when I should have believed in myself. Way easier said than done, I know! For years on repeat I had some of the most self-destructive thoughts. I was harder on myself than anyone else could have ever been. I never believed I was beautiful, despite being a model in my most awkward years. I never believed I was smart, despite having top marks in school and receiving honours awards. I never believed I had any self-worth. I believed I was better off dead. I believed I would never amount to anything good so why bother putting in any effort. I believed I would fail at everything I tried. I believed I would work dead end jobs forever. I believed that I would be in debt forever. I believed that I was un-loveable. I believed every negative word. I packed away every negative thought and feeling so tightly and let them haunt me for so long. I never unpacked my baggage for good. I just kept adding to the weight of it all until I almost let it end my life. I cannot think of a positive thought I had.

I grew up in a family separated by divorce. My grandparents divorced. My parents divorced. My aunt and uncle divorced. No one immediately around me stayed married. Maybe this is why I am a run-away bride? Just kidding, I don’t blame anyone in my family for my failures. Truth be told, I have been engaged five times and planned two full weddings which I never showed up to either. I am a run-away bride, not once, but multiple times. If you see me lacing up my sneakers watch out! Most people would probably think I have given up on love, not true. I do believe in love. I do believe there is a relationship out there for me. A perfect person does exist, but I am in no rush. I decided that the most important relationship is with me. I do spend all day everyday with me! I worked on a relationship with me. The most important relationship there is! Once you have a great relationship with yourself, I believe, everything else is easier. I never loved myself before so I was unable to love someone else. Working on loving yourself is some of the hardest work you will ever do but it’s also the most rewarding work you will ever accomplish. I love myself!

When I was stuck in my destructive thoughts I would hate spending time alone. If I was alone, I dread the thought of thinking about “stuff”. I viewed my failures in a negative light and reasoned I should give up completely when I should have been thinking, “I failed now what?” My failures are to be seen not as failing, but instead as opportunities to try something over or in a different way. My failures were actually giving me another chance to try a new way of doing something. I couldn’t see how lucky I was to fail and pursue something I loved even more. I am grateful for all my failures because they have guided me right here to where I am doing something I absolutely love.

When I was in the depths of my negativity I was terrified to go anywhere by myself. I would always text a friend to go shopping, go for coffee or meet for dinner. I got caught up in other people’s drama because when you’re in a negative space you tend to attract people in the same kind of space. I was filled with anxiety about spending time alone. If I was alone, I would spend my days sleeping and my nights worrying. I worried about everything. I constantly got stuck in the cycle of over thinking. Repetitive thoughts haunted me and drove me mad. I worried about what people thought about me. What people said about me? I forgot to check in and see what I thought and felt about me. I spent so much time filling every minute of every day with other people and things to do that I never left time for me. I was always running and rushing around and not slowing down to enjoy life. I missed out on so much because my negativity created a dark space I couldn’t see out from. It was like I was living in a little black box filled with everyone’s judgments of me. Yes, I admit I am not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Yes, I have hurt people. Yes, I have let people down. Yes, I have failed. Yes, I am human. I am doing my best and if my best isn’t good enough fuck it. I accept who I was; I can’t go back and change me. I own up to what I have done. I take responsibility for my choices and actions. I work each and every day to make sure my life is filled with happiness and love going forward. I tell my friends and family I love them (Yes even the ones that make me sometimes wanna pull my hair out). I take each day for the gift it is and I have as much fun as I possibly can.

I am thankful my destructive, repetitive thoughts and failures didn’t get the best of me. I am thankful I lived long enough to get to place in my life that I absolutely love. I am thankful I learned how to love myself. I am thankful to be able to share my story and have it be shared in the hopes of helping and healing others. You are never alone. I believe in each and every one of you! I know that if I can change my life and love my life so can you! I am always here. Feel free to reach out, get in touch today.