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Hello March!

It has been hard for me to sit down and write as of lately. I let stress and overthinking get the best of me. My writing pathway has been blocked.

March has always been my favorite month as we transition from winter into spring. I enjoy going outside when the air no longer hurts my face. March is filled with mud and low-riding dog struggles. Get a corgi they will forever be covered in mud until the dry summer months. Poor Kelso with her endless baths she hates!

March is my birthday month with 2 of my best friends. I am so thankful to be surrounded by such amazing people. I owe so many thanks to so many people this month who have helped me through challenging times.

I am days away from saying goodbye to 40 and hello to 41. I had early celebrations with a friend who made me the most amazing cake. I think baileys cheesecake might be my new favorite cake with a glass of mint baileys yes, please!

The way 40 ended was not what I had planned. I have been stressed out and overthinking my decisions. I gave my heart to someone who handed it back when I was not prepared. I know I am going to be fine. I am strong. I have the tools to take my life back. I  had envisioned so much more time and a forever partnership. I part with nothing but light and love for you going forward. As my fingers dance across the keys trying to be brave tears fall down my face thinking oh how much this has taught me, how much I have grown, and how much I know what I want moving forward. I am not one to jump all in and this is a different type of hurt. It has made me reflect on previous relationships and my runaway bride days and how much hurt I have caused to those who were not prepared when I threw their hearts back. I wish relationships had exit interviews where you could get all your answers answered. Healing is a journey but it gets so much better! Lots to learn from loss. Take the positive moments forward and learn from the challenging times.

41 is just a number and I know that around the next coner is going to be something great for me. I am positive and open to the next great opportunity. I look forward to adventures and where this journey takes me next.

Happy March!

 

 

 

 

February 11th at 03:00 am I woke in a state of panic. Unable to catch my breath.  I realized that this date marked one year since my grandfather passed. One year ago on this date, my whole world went silent.   My Opa was a man who was my biggest fan and my very best friend.  I knew every day just how much I was loved. Since my Opas passing my mind constantly races and my world seems quiet. You are missed so much. This year has been a hard year for me. This year has reminded me I need to live my life. Make my life as comfortable as possible as he would always tell me.

This February 11th there was a psychic fair close to where Gran lives, so we decided what a great way to move forward into the next year and see if we couldn’t both get messages.

When I awoke at 03:00 AM I had a vision of the lady who I would go to for my reading. I envisioned that she was in a corner booth and she had short light colored hair. Oddly enough there was just the person to fit this description but Gran was interested in her as well. Gran knew a bit about her but I knew nothing I just knew she was a medium and I believed she held the message I needed to move forward to make this my year. To stop being sad. I felt drawn to her.

We did a lap of the room and Gran decided on a different person to do her reading.  I happily ran back across the room and took the last available spot on the list of the short-haired woman in the corner booth. I had to wait about an hour to meet with this lady and I was starting to become overwhelmed with feelings of nervousness. I almost went to a medium last year on my grandpa’s birthday but I felt I wasn’t ready. I was worried Opa wouldn’t come across. I was scared to be disappointed. Gran and I laughed before our appointments thinking how crazy Opa would have thought spending our money to talk to those who have passed would be.

I watched as Gran’s reading started it looked like it was going well, I saw her fae light up with a smile but then the tears hit and I knew she was getting the message she needed. Just before my appointment, I moved across the room to sit close and watch my medium lady finish up her reading with the lady before me. Gran touched me on the shoulder and said she just finished and of course, he came through. I was so happy to hear he was near but nervous as it was my time. Would this lady do my reading justice? I was about to find out.

I sat down at this little table nicely decorated with a purple glitter tablecloth. I smiled as purple is my favourite colour and I love me some sparkle. The lady asked me why I was there and I simply said to hear what she had to tell me. I wasn’t trying to be difficult I just wasn’t sure what would come up. I think my nerves had taken over.

I had a special rock in my purse from an aunt who had passed. She let me know she knew about the rock but I would only be connecting with one person. My Opa showed up and took over the reading. She did touch on my relationship and jobs which I found interesting and pretty accurate. The amount of detail she used to describe my grandfather blew me away.  She knew this date was special to me and she told me what signs to look for and that he will forever be around and even though he is gone he is never far.

She was kind enough at the end of the reading to write out a list of things to work on and so this year I do want to make some changes and live a simpler kinder life. I celebrated my Opas passing this year  with happiness of knowing he is near and although he might not show up with flowers and an infectious smile that I miss. I am glad he will always be beside me to help guide me through this life.

 

 

Take me to the wall!

Hello February, I am hoping that the groundhog who predicted early spring is correct. I am ready!

I started my spring cleaning early. If you ever come to my house and it’s spotless I was stress cleaning. This kind of cleaning takes it to a whole new level. When my baseboards have been cleaned you know there is trouble. This is exactly what happened to me recently. I did something I have not done in 2023. I braved the dreaded weight scale.  I sat shocked at the number that came up. Is this thing set right? This is the most I have ever weighed in my life and while my BMI is still normal I am not feeling it. I have had difficulty remaining motivated to work out in these long cold months. I feel more like a bear. You can find me hibernating, call me spring hits.

When I saw that number come up on the scale I knew I had to change a few things again in my life and get back on track. I am not beating myself up that that number even though it almost gave me a heart attack. I am not allowing that number to control me but rather reminding myself that I stress ate a lot last year! It was one heck of year. I changed everything about my life and I lost my best friend. I am going to now turn the stress I feel into power to shred these pounds.

My weakness in life will always be sweets. I would die before I gave up eating cake. I am hoping to learn better portions and not fit the whole cake in my mouth. Minus my birthday that will forever be a day filled with bad choices and enough cake to kill me. It’s my day! I will live my best day or month!

At last, I found myself searching for a new workout routine. Trying to find something to spark my interest and get me motivated. I am always trying to outrun myself. I feel accomplished when I set new goals. I am happy to report after recovering from an injury I am back on the bike. Nothing kills my restless legs as biking until I cannot get off the Pelton. Pelton leader board keeps me going. I got close to the top and rode into the top 3 but I need a number 1 ride. I am coming for you.

I will forever include yoga and meditation in my life I need those to remain clam, collected and calm. I however was searching for something full body strength as I do need to work on my over all strength. That is when I found an interesting video on wall pilaties. It was going so good I was feeling the body burn with the video I was following. Then this lady took wall climbers up on the wall in 2 different ways. I had myself questioning my sanity. I do not enjoy mountain climbers on the ground level. What have I gotten myself into? I cannot raise my arms over my head and legit every piece of me hurts. I think my found my ass kicking get in shape work out. I am almost a week into it and starting to see results already. Fit in Feburary game on! 28 days of work out and 28 days in Feburary how fitting.

This is just the motivation I need as I get ready to tackle this month on. I am transitioning to an new job and popping in for a few shifts at an old job. I am planning some trips and looking forward to reconnecting and traveling to a provience I had not visited to spent time with someone who was a huge part of my life. Over the years we lost contact but because of social media we found each other and in March the fun begins. Birthday month I am going all out.

I am buying concert tickets and going outside my comfort zone with new styles of music. I am embracing saying yes to any adventure I am offered. I vowed to make 2023 the best year yet. A wise old senior once told me to make this life as comfortable as possible. In the almost 40 years we shared we saw alot of beautiful sights. I am vowing to be a healier, kinder more adventurous version of myself. I vow to always try the cake and work hard to keep myself strong and ready to take on whatever comes next.

 

“Good riddance to the past and all my bad decisions”.

This song lyric hit me hard recently. I am not even sure how I came to listen to this song as it is not my type of music, but that lyric stopped me and made me think. I heard it on a grueling day when I had to decide I hope I made the right decision. One decision can change your whole life. Is it for the best? Did I do the right thing?

One decision I made still haunts me and causes me to lose sleep. I hope I made the best decision as it not only affects me. No way to know if I made the right decision only time will tell.

Have you ever heard a song you needed at that moment, and you come to play it over and over? Today I needed to hear this lyric over and over and I sat staring at a message that ate at me. Why is this happening to me today?

The pissed-off version of me wanted to shoot back my real anger at this situation. I learned a long time ago I need to walk away and take time. I never want to say something I do not mean out of anger. I never want someone to overthink my angry words. You can’t take back what you sat in anger. I do not want to be an angry person.  I try to remain positive in every situation.

I learned I have a temper and I need to step away and calm down. The angry version of me is unkind. The calm version of me is kind. I will no longer allow others to make me feel this level of upset or anger. It is my choice who I allow in my life. I wake up every day with a full heart and nothing but gratitude for the amazing people surrounding me.

I am not a fan of social media and never have been I wouldn’t have social media if I didn’t have a special BC cousin who convinced me we should stay connected. I would do anything for my family, and as my family  circle gets smaller, I will do everything I can to stay in touch. Family means everything to me.  I am thankful for social media in many ways as it keeps me connected to family and friends from afar to whom I wish I could be closer. I have reconnected with people I am so glad to hear from, sought out some of my favourite people, and had amazing conversations that we wouldn’t have gotten to have without social media, making it so easy and always at our fingertips.

Scary to think anyone is one just one click away. You have the ability to search for anyone or anything. I have a love dislike relationship with this. I struggle with social media and the amount of time I can waste looking at cute dog videos on Instagram. I have always tried my best to keep my son’s presence offline. I try to share all the important updates with family, but I have sheltered my information about my boy as best as I can. No judgement to those who post kiddos I love following all the moments I am cheering you on from the sidelines. I am always down for baby snuggles!

Recently I realized more than ever how precious our limited time is and I make the choice of who is allowed in my life. I will not allow myself to be upset by a message from someone who upsets me and brings nothing into my life. I get to make the decision. Silence is a decision. I do not have time or energy to waste on anything or anyone who doesn’t bring me positivity, light and love.

2023 Good riddance to my past and all my bad decisions. Nothing but good vibes moving forward. I am open to new adventures and opportunities coming my way!

 

An interesting fact and guilty pleasure of mine is that I love drama. Not my own drama. Other people’s drama. But don’t get me wrong I have had more than my share of my own personal drama.

In my younger years, I used to have a t-shirt that I loved that said: “Save the drama for your momma” I wore it until you could no longer read the words. I loved that t-shirt. It was white with red letters. Then it sadly became just dull white and faded.

To be honest with you all, I have had enough drama in my personal life to last me for a lifetime. Now I do everything to avoid having drama in my life. I’m the first to admit I created a trail of drama everywhere I went for years. I coated people’s lives with drama. I was like the glitter you couldn’t get rid of.

The worst version of myself was during the drama years. I wish I would have saved my drama for my momma as my t-shirt said. I am certain I gave my momma enough stress. Her early grey hairs had my name on them. I pray my son is a better teenager-young adult than I was.

I am most thankful I learned how to change my life, my thoughts, and my actions. To know when to leave the drama behind, how to walk away, and just make each simple day filled with love. To be a kinder more selfless version of myself, to draw out my kinder qualities. To help and accept help.

One of my biggest guilty pleasures today is that I love drama-filled reality TV. I am one of the biggest fans of “90-day fiancé” I enjoy how people fall madly in love and move across the world to be with each other. I love love. The fairy tale love that everyone dreams about, the kind we read about in our romance novels, until it all comes crashing down. I love to watch but my heart aches for the people who get hurt as the world watches. I am not sure how some people come back from that public heartbreak. I am glad that my biggest heart break was behind closed doors alone. I am thankful when I picked myself back up it was just my dog and a few close friends that were witness. I am not sure what I would have done if millions of people could have reached out and told me about their opinion on social media.  For the record I do not comment on any TV social media I keep my thoughts to myself, but I wish nothing but the best.

When I reflect on all the drama, I have had in my life what a horrible made for TV drama that could have been, then add in editing to include only the dramatic parts, the tell all’s, the sad moments, the things I would have said I didn’t mean I was just upset. TV really paints the worst versions of these people and yet I find myself unable to turn away. Sunday and Monday nights at 8PM are my reserved for TV times my guilty pleasure. Everyone knows and just lets me watch. I cry at all the wedding and the proposals. I am always so hopeful for anyone’s romance story! I have a tough time watching a season without googling to find out if the couples are still together.

I know I shouldn’t support this drama reality TV, but it is my guilty pleasure. It does remind me how fragile love is and how much work it takes to keep successful relationships. It reminds me to be thankful for the people in my life and to let them know every day how much I love and appreciate them.

I no longer engage in personal drama. I realized long ago that silence beats drama any day. If I have become silent it is because I do not have time for drama and I checked neither does my momma. Here’s to 2023 being quieter and filled with love.

Every day I work to make myself the best version of myself. Accept kindness and love. Sprinkle that shit on others like it is glitter they can never get off!

Sparkle on!

 

 

My entire life I have been told if I just put my walls down and opened my heart, I could receive signs from beyond. You nees to be open and acceptive.

I have always had a fascination with what happens when we are no longer in our physical bodies? I believe in spirits, ghosts, and a higher power. I love thinking did that just happen for a reason, was it a sign, a coincidence, or when you meet someone, you swear you knew before that meeting?

I have always wanted to know what my greatest gift is, my power, my mark to leave behind in this world. I have always thought I am more than the life I am living. The only person, place, or thing that is holding you back from your highest potential is yourself. I work on myself every day. I try to be the best version of myself. I keep working towards my dreams. I take leaps that I hope are for the best and I keep my dreams in sight. My 2023 goal is to make time available to the people, places, and things that are most important to me and bring me joy.

I do admit the last while I have struggled to be open to receiving signs. I have felt like I have lost my way and had my heart and mind taken up by other things. I vow to take back 2023 and accomplish more things on my bucket list.  To show up and write more each day. To share my accomplishments, my struggles, and my moments of teaching and learning. To dedicate more time to my love of writing this journey has opened my heart and my life to so many amazing opportunities. I am glad I got pushed-took the leap to start this page. Change is always a possibility.

Recently on a little road trip I read a book in a day that blew me away written by a psychic medium. I love that idea and I have been to a medium who blew my mind with accurate messages things she could never know from friends and family passed. I don’t like to seek out direct messages it is still something I would love to understand and be able to experience the capability to do.

The book I read in one sitting was called signs and is written by Laura Lynn Jackson. I saw this book recommended by a friend to another friend on social media, but I happened to see the recommendation and thought the book sounded interesting. Thankfully living in a small town with a quaint little book store I only had to cross the road to find a copy. I was so happy they had one copy left S-O-L-D. I found out this is the authors second book, The first book was sold out, but the lady happily ordered me a copy which I am beyond delighted to read this week!

I love the idea that loved ones are here with us. I get signs all the time and I laugh thinking of how I said I haven’t seen signs lately. I have one person who passed who vowed to haunt me and do fun things and I said if that was true, I hoped for the rest of my life to be haunted. I noticed after the passing those weird things started happening like my tv turning on while the remote was on the table not near me. I used to have electronics come on all the time. Finding dimes in my pathways thinking I wonder who sent me this, lately it has been quiet, and I have been in my own busy little world mind racing always busy. I haven’t had time to slow down and look around for signs.

Then a couple of weeks before I read this book, I was alone in my house rushing to get ready for an appointment when a dime hit me on the side of the head, I had a what the heck moment. I picked up the dime and looked around to make sure I was alone. I let out a laugh read the date and knew it was from the year you passed. I miss you! I will always be happy to have a sign and I give an extra point for making it funny!

The book signs made me bust out into tears and I had a sign while reading the book of a loved one near that I am not sure I would have noticed if not for this ladies’ words chapter after chapter the stories she shared filled my heart. This book has made me regain the spiritual side I loved about myself and has made me more open for a journey of love and understanding. I hope when I pass, I get to throw dimes at so many people. This book also made me think of all the love I am surrounded by each day and again grow my grateful list and reach out to more people to remind them how much I love them. As I look at turning 41 my heart is so full and so excited to see where this year takes me, I am sure I have more changes coming my way and I embrace where life takes me, and the signs let me know you are right here with me. Heaven has some of my favourite people. I have the best angles.

Thank you, Chicken, Lobster, Peach for putting this book in a path I would see it. I miss you girl and I hope 2023 we can get back to fun tea times filled with laughs that hurt and sharing pictures that make us spit out our tea!

Bring on the signs I am open and willing to embrace.

 

 

Does anyone else feel like 2023 just snuck up?

My whole holiday season flew by. As the days ticked by, I couldn’t seem to get it together. Winter crept up and my usual favourite holiday Christmas left a hole in my heart this year. I usually have all my decorations out and everything set and ready to do by the first of December. This year I barely had my tree up in time for Santa’s visit. My Opa was the biggest fan of Christmas and bringing the whole family together and while I was glad, we gathered I just feel like every time I looked at your chair, I missed your smiling face a million times more.

I was alone after the holidays with the house to myself. More time off than I knew what to do with. I decided to meet my Gran and her friend for lunch on New Year’s Eve. I hope this is a start of a fun new tradition as my face hurt from the laughter shared. There is no one else I would want to catch up with on the last day of the year. You always make my days better Gran. I am thankful Opa brought us together because I would be lost without you. I can’t wait to see where 2023 takes us from laughter to tears and back to laughter again.

Alone on New Year’s Eve evening, I decided to start a painting project one that I meant to start much earlier in the year, but time got away from me. I had the most horrifying electric neon green bathroom that I couldn’t use because the glare made my soul hurt. I got lost in a great crime podcast and started bringing calm to the walls, which made me reflect a lot on how my 2022 went and what I hope to accomplish in 2023. I love painting I think I have painted every surface of my house at least twice over. Give me a paint brush some good music or an addictive podcast and watch out. It will be out with the old and in with the new. This seems very fitting for the last day of the year.

I got an unexpected invite from one of my favourite people to join her and her boyfriend for New Year’s Eve I immediately declined I didn’t want to third wheel, but I did want to meet this gentleman, so I said you know what stop making excuses and do it! I took 15 minutes to clean the bright white primer off me, slapped on some mascara and lip gloss and was ready to go. I headed out to have a drink at a place I had not been in years and the people watching did not disappoint. Surround myself in good company set an intention for 2023. Thank you, giraffe Jen, for the invite you are one of my very favourite people and I am blessed that going into 2023 I know we will remain kick ass tall girlfriends. You are the only person crazy enough to agree to hike with me until our feet bleed. I am thankful for our chats, walks, tea and problem solving skills. 🤣

2023 I have decided that my time is important and that I need to make certain people and things I want to accomplish a priority. I set the intention that I will be mindful of my time. I have a list of people that I want to catch up with and that I am going to be available to reconnect. I am going to accept more invitations and try to add even more fun that I already have into each, and every day and my huge list of gratitude as always grows along with me.

Cheers to 2023!

Load up I need a road trip. On this certain rainy Saturday, a random road trip with the purpose of delicious snacks! I love a road trip filled with good music, laughter, and discovering new snacks!

This road trip was a girls-only adventure. It started with a plan to head to the Trenton bakery a place my Opa loved and filled with all the treats I love. When I open the store door, I can picture your smiling face as I collect our favorite treats and black licorice cat candies, we loved to share my” happy pills” as he called them. I cannot live without those candies. They are the key to my happiness. I constantly crave them and should buy stocks in the company.

Joining me on this adventure is a woman I met through a co-worker. We instantly bonded and have been best of friends. We have so much in common. Katie I am so lucky I found you!  Katie became my Smalls, and I became Talls. Yes, I tower over her over six feet in stature. She may be small, but this woman has the biggest heart of anyone I know. We oddly have so much in common we instantly bonded like we always knew each other. Hanging out with you girl is just easy and it is always so much fun!

We have been on some amazing random road trips filled with endless laughter and random pictures on funny-named roads, kissing statues, and jamming all the snacks in our faces.

We keep finding the most amazing snacks, but we are always dreaming and making lists of places to hit up and try the latest best-find snacks. I hope we spend a lifetime searching out delicious snacks. The adventures we have in search of snacks oh goodness as I think of all the places, we have been I wonder how we are not on a permanent sugar high or maybe we are!

Life is always somehow always better and more fun when you are around.

Just yesterday when I was feeling down and out struggling with the problems of adulting you were my shoulder to lean on and then you randomly showed up with cheesecake the one thing that no matter how sad I am will always put a smile on my face. You came with a huge box of all the favourites. No words needed just some hugs and snacks. You just get me girl thanks for that.

My son loves Smalls and her crazy pets he always wants to visit at her place. If I ever leave this world Smalls you will be getting my son and alllll my pets!

Kelso our beloved corgi goes crazy when Smalls visits she instantly brings all the toys to Smalls because she knows she loves dogs and will always play.

My sons beloved cat Noah will also come running because he knows Smalls will always pet him as she has cats of her own. I avoid cats the best I can not because I do not like them but because I am allergic making cats like me a million times more,

Smalls has just become a member of our family! I always tell her sorry girl you are stuck with me F O R E V E R! I think it’s going to take us that long to find the ultimate best snack ever. Thank you for always loading up on road trips and for always be there when I need a bestie, I am beyond lucky to call you mine. Thank you for all that you do! We love you!

 

This weekend reminded me that I am older than I think.  I am forty. This weekend reminded me that even though I think that I am twenty my body would disagree. I have sore spots on my arms where I didn’t even know you could have muscles.

Truth be told I have struggled a bit to make the adjustment to working Monday to Friday 9-5 and having weekends off. I love my house, but it seems even smaller when I never get out of it. I am staring at multiple screens a day and am so tired of screens. I am burnt out. I want a screen-free holiday!

Friday night my partner suggested why don’t we do something like go rock climbing or a movie? I then turned the question over to my son and asked which activity would you rather do? I was delighted and a little bit anxious when he picked rock climbing. I have always promoted doing something outside of screens. I grew up in the outdoors and now with more screens than ever I love it when we can do anything without screens. I however do not enjoy gyms filled with people.

Rock climbing, I may have bitten off more than I could chew. Something you should know about me if I am determined to do something nothing will stand in my way I will not give up and I will do it. I will find some way to complete the task at hand.

The last time I went rock climbing I was much younger and more fit, or less broken. As I watched my son do the training, he looked a little bit scared, but as soon as he was on his own, he lit up that wall and climbed to the top in lightning-fast speeds.

I don’t know who made the grades or rates the walls from easy to hard but I at last was defeated and stumped on the easiest wall rated at a 5.2 it was starting to become impossible. Impossible is not a work I like to use. I think anything is possible if you have the right attitude. I don’t like that feeling of defeat. I despite pain and tears attempted the wall more than once probably 4 or 5 times. Between my discs slipped in my back, nerve damage, almost no feeling in one leg and a broken pelvic floor I am not sure why I thought I would be great. I went in to complete the climb determined. I gave myself points for trying but I want to high five the top of the wall.

Everyone around me in the gym was truly kind yet as the tears that rolled down my face I was feeling defeated. The tears were from a combination of pain and defeat.

Pay attention when I say that I will be back, and I will make that 5.2 wall my bitch. I will make it to the top and happily jump down. Now that I know what I need to work on I have a game plan.

This is the mind set you need for life! When life knock you off a wall before you accomplish what you set out to do. Make a new plan tackle it in a new way but never give up. You got this. If everyone was just instantly great at something the first, try, we would have no reason to work and do better or work up to a goal.

I am determined.

I am strong.

I am surrounded by good vibes.

I got this!

Fit fabulous and getting up that 5.2 rock climbing wall here I come. Stay tuned for my victory picture!

I might still be riding a sugar high from last night. I may never shake the cold that the rain left with me.  I did enjoy seeing the costumes and watching the kids run around from house to house. The impressively scary decorations people set up. It was a great feeling even in the pouring rain to see so many people out.

I have never been a Halloween fan and I did not want to go out last night. I had to remind myself that this could be the last year my son lets me tag along. Time really needs to slow down! Thankfully, my sister-in-law joined me on the walkabout. We were rewarded quite nicely upon return and sorting of the Halloween haul.

My son and my niece have gone out together trick or treating for all the years we have lived here and this year they outdid themselves. They dawned the costumes of what might very well be my brother’s favorite movie of all time Monty Pythons Quest for the holy grail. He haunted me with never-ending movie quotes when we were growing up. He has now passed all those quotes onto my son to torment me with. I will admit I do think this movie is hilarious and is a classic must-see that is if you like to laugh.

My niece was King Arthur and she nailed it. She pulled off the look and all the movie quotes. My son was Patsy complete with coconuts that were so believable many people thought a horse was coming down the road. My brother being the big nerd he is made a soundboard of movie quotes and soundtracks.

For the people who knew what Quest for the holy grail was they loved it and shouted quotes. They timed it perfectly to have “run away” play as they left the houses.

I love that my family took the time to craft these costumes and watching the kids faces light up as the got into the roles was so freaking cute. The quest for too much Halloween candy and a sugar high from now until Christmas is complete.

What did everyone else dress up as for Halloween? Hit me with some pictures I would love to see!