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This weekend reminded me that I am older than I think.  I am forty. This weekend reminded me that even though I think that I am twenty my body would disagree. I have sore spots on my arms where I didn’t even know you could have muscles.

Truth be told I have struggled a bit to make the adjustment to working Monday to Friday 9-5 and having weekends off. I love my house, but it seems even smaller when I never get out of it. I am staring at multiple screens a day and am so tired of screens. I am burnt out. I want a screen-free holiday!

Friday night my partner suggested why don’t we do something like go rock climbing or a movie? I then turned the question over to my son and asked which activity would you rather do? I was delighted and a little bit anxious when he picked rock climbing. I have always promoted doing something outside of screens. I grew up in the outdoors and now with more screens than ever I love it when we can do anything without screens. I however do not enjoy gyms filled with people.

Rock climbing, I may have bitten off more than I could chew. Something you should know about me if I am determined to do something nothing will stand in my way I will not give up and I will do it. I will find some way to complete the task at hand.

The last time I went rock climbing I was much younger and more fit, or less broken. As I watched my son do the training, he looked a little bit scared, but as soon as he was on his own, he lit up that wall and climbed to the top in lightning-fast speeds.

I don’t know who made the grades or rates the walls from easy to hard but I at last was defeated and stumped on the easiest wall rated at a 5.2 it was starting to become impossible. Impossible is not a work I like to use. I think anything is possible if you have the right attitude. I don’t like that feeling of defeat. I despite pain and tears attempted the wall more than once probably 4 or 5 times. Between my discs slipped in my back, nerve damage, almost no feeling in one leg and a broken pelvic floor I am not sure why I thought I would be great. I went in to complete the climb determined. I gave myself points for trying but I want to high five the top of the wall.

Everyone around me in the gym was truly kind yet as the tears that rolled down my face I was feeling defeated. The tears were from a combination of pain and defeat.

Pay attention when I say that I will be back, and I will make that 5.2 wall my bitch. I will make it to the top and happily jump down. Now that I know what I need to work on I have a game plan.

This is the mind set you need for life! When life knock you off a wall before you accomplish what you set out to do. Make a new plan tackle it in a new way but never give up. You got this. If everyone was just instantly great at something the first, try, we would have no reason to work and do better or work up to a goal.

I am determined.

I am strong.

I am surrounded by good vibes.

I got this!

Fit fabulous and getting up that 5.2 rock climbing wall here I come. Stay tuned for my victory picture!

I might still be riding a sugar high from last night. I may never shake the cold that the rain left with me.  I did enjoy seeing the costumes and watching the kids run around from house to house. The impressively scary decorations people set up. It was a great feeling even in the pouring rain to see so many people out.

I have never been a Halloween fan and I did not want to go out last night. I had to remind myself that this could be the last year my son lets me tag along. Time really needs to slow down! Thankfully, my sister-in-law joined me on the walkabout. We were rewarded quite nicely upon return and sorting of the Halloween haul.

My son and my niece have gone out together trick or treating for all the years we have lived here and this year they outdid themselves. They dawned the costumes of what might very well be my brother’s favorite movie of all time Monty Pythons Quest for the holy grail. He haunted me with never-ending movie quotes when we were growing up. He has now passed all those quotes onto my son to torment me with. I will admit I do think this movie is hilarious and is a classic must-see that is if you like to laugh.

My niece was King Arthur and she nailed it. She pulled off the look and all the movie quotes. My son was Patsy complete with coconuts that were so believable many people thought a horse was coming down the road. My brother being the big nerd he is made a soundboard of movie quotes and soundtracks.

For the people who knew what Quest for the holy grail was they loved it and shouted quotes. They timed it perfectly to have “run away” play as they left the houses.

I love that my family took the time to craft these costumes and watching the kids faces light up as the got into the roles was so freaking cute. The quest for too much Halloween candy and a sugar high from now until Christmas is complete.

What did everyone else dress up as for Halloween? Hit me with some pictures I would love to see!

 

 

I love rage-screaming music! I love to crank my music and sing my heart out. My two favorite places to sing are when I am alone in my house cleaning yes, I will never admit it again, but I crank my music and dance around with my vacuum.  Music keeps me motivated to clean! I freaking love to vacuum and deep cleaning gives me a sense of accomplishment. The smell of cleaner after cleaning a house relaxes me. The popular songs from the club days are now my dirty dancing clean the house playlist.

The second place you will always find me singing is in the driver’s seat. When I am driving alone you can guarantee my music is real damn loud. I love to drive around watching the blurry scenery as I drive too fast and sing too loud. This is when I am the happiest.

I love how just the right song can come across the playlist and you find yourself dancing along getting lost in a memory. I love how a song can instantly change your emotions. The right song just sets the mood for the day. So many songs remind me of certain people or places in my life. Just hearing the right song paired with the memories makes me smile. I have so much to be thankful for.

My taste in music is a bit all over the place I am sure anyone who has seen my Sassy playlist will question my sanity. I have a place in my heart for heavy metal rage music nothing motivates me better. or warms my heart or just gets my soul. My workout music playlist is scary sweary music that makes me want to set a world record in running.

I grew up listening to a variety of music my parents had quite different tastes and I found myself enjoying artists from both of their playlists. They both played a significant role in always playing music I grew up in a house always filled with music. My brother introduced me too and ruined my life with heavy metal which makes me giggle because he doesn’t listen to much of that these days. It still runs through me heavily. I have my playlist ready to go.

The one type of music I could never get into was country I always struggled well that was until one of my new co-workers posted a song of a concert she was going to and ruined my life. I am quite sure my partner thinks I am insane but there is something about this guy’s voice I am so in love, and I so desperately need to see Zach Bryan in concert. I cannot stop listening something about his voice is just a sheer delight to my ears and its so country. I can’t explain it his voice just ignites something in me. I am ready for my cowboy boots and hat now. Play your music real damn loud is a line in his song heading south. It hit me and I can’t stop singing it!

One thing music taught me is to always be open to listening to something else. What one person loves another may not like. Everything you do will not be loved by everyone. You cannot please everyone. But the right words just might change someone’s life. There is music for every kind of mood you are in. If you need to get to a mood work through a mood or searching for something different music always has it.

Back in my younger years I was a concert rat I had tickets to all the shows I love the feeling of a large event energy not so much the amount of people but just the feelings of positivity that music brings out in us and bring us together. I cannot wait for the day I can share a concert with my son! My first concert was with my mom she took us to see Bare Naked Ladies and it is something I will never forget. I hope to create that same kind of memory with my son. We do not have the same taste in music and his music idol is no longer with us RIP Stomppin Tom so we have some details to work out before our first show.

I love when someone shares a song that reminds them of you, a while back a girl who was my best friend and we shared a lot of concerts together reached out and said every time she hears Pink by Aerosmith she thinks of me. Still one of my biggest regrets is not going to see Aerosmith when I had tickets, but my pregnancy made me so sick, I couldn’t cope. I wish I could see them! I missed the opportunity of a lifetime I hope this opportunity comes around again. Bucket list must see! I have a whole list of concerts I still want to see and even a new artist added. Who is something you would love to see in concert? Or someone you saw and it changed your life?

 

 

 

Okay, I know I have said enjoy Canadian summers because they are gone in a blink of an eye, but this year it especially flew by. I left my job and even had most of the summer off with my boy, but it feels like we did so much and yet nothing at all how is it possible that the leaves are now changing colors and the fall crisp air has set in? How is it possible I already have a fourth grader? Time needs to slow down.

As I sit in my home office with the window open and the lake breeze keeping me cool I love watching the sunrises and the sunsets. Gorgeous colors all around me. I do love the fall season and all its gorgeousness.

I enjoyed my first caddy cruise this past weekend, usually, by the fall I have ticked on hundreds of kilometers but at last this year my lovely car sat in a garage, tarp-covered and sad. . My son has let me know he has been on more cruises this year and that it’s no longer my car. Apparently, I lost my caddy, and he wants it restored back to its original mint condition so he can enjoy the caddy as his first car. I laughed thinking of trying to pass my driver’s test in the caddy. How cool would it be to drive to school in a big ol black caddy. I took my driver’s test in a Mercury Topaz a mid-size car and when I parallel parked, I backed into the spot they have set aside, and I hit both gates you had to navigate between to pass. I would like to say I am a much better parker today. Thankfully, you could have three errors back in the day when I did my testing. I don’t think the caddy would fit between those parking gates. I find it best to find a pull-in spot rather than try to parallel park the caddy. I am not brave enough; afraid I will scratch it the car. I also do not have my transport license and I can assure you the caddy is the longest care I have ever driven. One good thing about the driver’s test with a caddy would have been that I wouldn’t have lost points for speeding like I did. I can only imagine in 7 years when my son finally is a licensed driver what the cost of gas would be to fill the caddy. I do often wonder if as a passenger my son behind the wheel cruising along, would I have the same big smile I see when I look over at my dad. I am not sure if I would be smiling and scared he’s driving my car!

This past weekend we went for a cruise to celebrate my dad’s birthday he is officially a senior and we have a birthday tradition to get Reb Lobster and cruise, This time I picked up my girlfriend smalls who is just the smaller version of myself. I threw her in the back of the caddy and we headed east. We were both having a day sometimes the struggles real. When I have a bad day I try to think of how it went wrong and what I could do to make it better. You know what always makes my problems better? Crushed velour and being in the drivers seat of the caddy! The three of us cruised around laughing and it was just the fall day we all needed.

As thanksgiving approaches this weekend, I think of all the people I am thankful for and my face hurts from smiling. I still make a grateful list every day to remind myself how blessed I am in this life.

Here’s to fall and falling into living grateful lives.

From the first time I ever went to a demolition derby, I have had a dream to smash up some cars. Long before I ever wanted to race cars, I wanted to smash them up.  I love to go fast, and I love to smash, hopefully never at the same time.

As a woman when the crowd cheers on a lady demolition derby driver it still gives me chills and instantly makes me smile and proud and deep down, I am like GET EM GIRL! Destroy those other cars. I love a lady driver even better if she’s a winner!

I can remember my dad taking me to the local fair I was about 7 years old or so and I thought it was a crazy idea to take cars you stripped down to nothing, decorate them up, then you suit up and destroy them. Who comes up with this? My dad’s face lit up with excitement as he described the event to me, so I agreed to go, and it turns out I loved it.

The lady who announced the local fair in our small town had such a captivating voice. She sucked you in and kept you yelling and cheering the drivers on. You yelled until you lost your voice. She was always having fun and made sure everyone got along and shook hands at the end. She had a voice that drew people in to watch the derby from all around. I am sure you could hear her voice across town.

This was the first year I have been back to the fair since Covid without the announcer’s voice present and it showed.  This derby was best described as unorganized chaos. The drivers shook hands at the end to honour the late great woman announcer not because they were friendly told. I know I wasn’t the only person who missed her in a crowd I heard her name many times. This derby was confusing, the sound was bad, and the interviews were inadequate quality.

When my son and niece were about 5 years old, I took them to a local fair to watch the derby. For the record they both thought the idea of cars smashing up was crazy like I did at that age. Happy that they entertained me and joined. Our Opa also joined us he also loved a derby, but I think he just came to the fairs to see the carousel.

We had front row seats to the derby, and we got the full experience during a crash up close and personal we had mud sprayed on us. We watched the kids’ faces light up with wonder and delight. I knew from that moment I had derby kids. They even had a 1989 caddy just like the one we have and the look of shock on my sons face like anyone would ever want to smash it up was one is a look I will never forget.

This year we went to the fair for the derby. We sat high up in the grandstands, we know you were right there with us Opa we watched, and we cheered until we lost our voices. Our hearts were full, and I know two kids who want to enter the derby! I will be right beside you helping to decorating a car just please use any other car NOT the caddy!

 

For most of my life, I felt like something was missing. For most of my life, I felt angry and most of my days were unhappy. For most of my life, my internal dialog was that I wasn’t good enough. I held on to feelings that I needed to let go of.

Where did this all come from? Why was I left feeling like this?

My most significant life transformation came when I learned to love myself when I started to live my life for myself and when I learned to put myself first.

I spent most of my teens, twenties, and well into my thirties putting my happiness and how I felt onto others. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted by someone else. Spoiler alert it’s not possible if you haven’t learned to love yourself. Love starts within you!

I dated nothing but toxic people who I put in charge of my happiness and feeling loved. I ran away when I thought I wasn’t happy or didn’t feel loved. I was a run-away bride many times over because I knew my happiness wasn’t at the end of the aisle. No matter who tried to love me I just couldn’t get there. Something was missing. You can’t love someone else or be in a healthy relationship if you don’t have self-love.

In my twenties and thirties, my biggest fear was being alone. I had a need to be surrounded with people. When you’re angry and hate life what kind of people do you attract? Like-minded people are the only people who can stand to be around your negative butt. Everyone I had in my life was negative or I chose only to see the negative.

I know why I almost ended my life, how I got to this very moment in my life. I was miserable, I took too much on, and I forgot to take care of myself. I had tried to run from my problems, but your problems always follow. I didn’t deal with my problems and so they just got bigger and bigger until they almost consumed me.

The most important person in your life is you! It’s just that simple. I realized if I don’t take care of myself I am not a great mother, partner, sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, niece, cousin, coworker, or friend.

How did I realize this? Well, I wish I had a magic purple pill that made the process go quicker but at last, it took me years. It took me years of being alone with myself to discover who I am, what I like, and what I want to accomplish. I had become so lost I forgot the basics. I tried so hard to save other people from their problems that I didn’t deal with my own problems.

Transformation isn’t easy. Change isn’t easy. It is necessary.

Each and every day I want to show up being my best self. I changed the way I think about myself. I changed how I felt about myself. I learned what I love to do. I learned what my passions are in life. What I want to accomplish. I spent time with myself.

I learned that the two things that were the scariest things in life are my two greatest joys.

I love time to myself. I want to be alone with myself. I never take for granted the alone time I get. I ask for time alone when I need it. Being alone is my recharge time. Being alone grounds and centers my thoughts. I know now that always surrounding myself with other people burns me out. Drains my energy and I can’t focus. I need quiet time. I need time to recharge. I need time to put my heart and soul into things that I love to do.

Being a mom was always a huge fear when I knew I couldn’t take care of myself how could I take care of another? I learned how to change the ways I viewed myself. I learned a kinder love language towards myself. I am always working to improve and learn. I embraced being a mom and I let go of the expectations I had of myself. Let’s be honest kids don’t come with a how-to manual or a rule book you just do the best you can and have as much fun as you can along the way. My son taught me a love that I didn’t know existed.

What was missing? Love! Love that starts within. The way you talk to yourself and the way you love yourself shows up in your everyday life. It’s the difference between being happy or being miserable. The love you feel towards yourself is no one else’s responsibility. Do not put someone else in charge of how you feel. If you start with self-love you can include more people you love in your life. Loving others seems less scary now that I know no matter what happens on this journey of life I will be okay. I love and appreciate myself just as I am. I love the people who surround me and are my tribe.

 

 

Change the way you think.

Change is a word that I have never really been fond of—just hearing the word change used to make me nervous and uncomfortable. If anything was mentioned about changing my mind immediately went to negativity. I felt that if I had to change it was because something I did wasn’t good enough. I jumped to all the uncomfortableness that change would bring out in me. I viewed change as a negative. I worried about the change until it made me sick. I was stuck in negativity, and I didn’t want to change. I wasted a lot of time because I wouldn’t change.

I changed the way I view the word change.

A great quote is “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change- Wayne Dyer”

Now when something or someone needs to use the word change or asks me to change something, I embrace it with positivity and hope to learn from the experience. Every time you make a change it is a teaching moment. I think by changing this what can I learn?

In the last couple of months, everything in my life changed and it’s taken some adjusting for sure. I removed the scary thoughts about change, and I do my best to roll with change. I try to take the good that change brings.

I made living accommodation changes which are always difficult because I like my things a certain way, and having someone else’s things around sometimes leaves me feeling anxious. I need to organize, clean, and have a flow.

I had to change the way I drove because my car was in an accident (no injuries) just a series of rental cars I was not familiar with. After 5 weeks I think I forget how to drive standard. I might have to change and buy an automatic (kidding I would never!)

I changed my job something I never thought I would do but the hospital in a global pandemic weighed heavy on my heart. I have always wanted a job I could be passionate about, a job that helps people and I wanted to do it from my home. That’s not asking too much, is it? I changed my job.

I am happy to report I did find a job that I love. I have taken on something I’m passionate about and it allows me to help people from the comfort of my home office. I changed my hours from those of am all over shift worker, forgetting what day it was to a steady 9 to 5. I changed my part-time hours and weekdays off that I loved for full-time Monday to Friday with weekends off. I try to focus on all the good things that have come my way with this job.  I admit on my first feedback meeting I was a little bit nervous about how much change they would want but they embrace who I am and what I bring, and I am blessed to be in my home office.

I will miss my former co-worker friends and I am still adjusting to how I am going to juggle all my time, but I am happy with my changes and excited to see where all these changes take me next.

What will I change next?

Embrace change-remove the part that’s scary- take whatever change comes your way, roll with it, put a positive spin upon it and think what can I learn from this change?

 

 

 

This pillow reminds me of the most remarkable man I have ever met. he also happened to be my Opa. This pillow was made out of one of his favourite “fancy” shirts.

Opa had a love for the colour brown and a wonderful plaid design. He always had handkerchiefs in his pockets as well as a pencil and many other items. You never knew what he had in those pockets. His pockets always appeared endless as he pulled things out. He packed a pocket like I pack my purse.

These types of plaid shirts were what Opa would call his “fancy” shirts. Compared to his collection of warn-out farm t-shirts.

I found this pillow design while scrolling through Pinterest. I thought the idea was a good way for all of us grandkids to keep him close. Thank you granny for sharing his “fancy” shirts. Thank you to my mom who did an amazing job sewing so many together on short notice. Mom took the time to sew on a heart and stuff the pocket with one of his handkerchiefs and a personalized note. Each note she took the time to personalize and type out on her vintage typewritten. My note brought me to tears as I read “This pocket was once over my heart now hold it near yours for we’ll never be apart.” It still brings me to tears.

This pillow has been on my couch since Opa passed. I watch his favourite shows and keep him close.

I recently returned from a trip to see what I thought was a card tucked in the pocket but it wasn’t a card but rather a collection of carousel stamps including the Roseneath carousel.

This stamp collection brought me to tears, not the stamps but the image that instantly flooded my mind. When I saw the stamp of the Roseneath carousel it brought me right back to a beautiful fall day at the fair riding the Roseneath carousel. I spun around going up and down giggling at how much joy this simple ride brought me. As I glanced out into the crowds I located my Opa with a huge smile on his face beaming from side to side as he hummed along to the carousel song.

He loved carousels so much that he had a huge collection in his house, some played music, and some were just gorgeous to look at. His collection was from all over the world.  He loved carousels so much that he even built his great-grandchildren a real working carousel in his backyard that went around, up and down, and played music so he could enjoy their wonderous smiles as they happily road around with their stuffed friends.

I know you are always near and I miss you crazy amounts. Thanks for all the memories. Your words live on through me.

http://www.roseneathcarousel.com/

Last week after I finished my blog and posted it I was thinking I have an afternoon to myself how should I spend it? When I checked my phone my friend Jes had sent me a message did I want to go kayaking? Truth be told I wanted to sit on my deck in the sun and read but I have two kayaks that have just been sitting all summer waiting to be used and I live steps away from the lake. I agreed to go kayaking with her and enjoy some outside time without ever looking outside.

My morning had been filled with interviews something I haven’t done in a long time selling companies on why they should pick me. I have my fingers crossed I hear some good news. I think I have found a job that will allow me to fill my passions. Dream jobs do exist you just have to find them. (Update I got the job-work from home gig full-time!)

As we loaded up the kayaks and made our way to the lake I could see the white caps of the waves forming. We made a goal to make it down to the park despite the waves. We had quite the fight with the waves but we had a goal and we were going to get there. While paddling until our arms hurt making little progress into the wind we laughed, we took water into our boats and we just said what a nice day it was. We decided to focus on going with the motion and not fighting. It was a beautiful sunny day the breeze on the lake was refreshing. I’m sure to anyone on the shore we looked like we needed to be rescued. I’m not sure if people thought we were laughing or crying.

The waves coming made me think a lot about how life has been, where I want to go, and how the waves are like everyday obstacles.  Like each wave, I can only manage one issue at a time. As each wave came I thought how is it best to deal with this wave? You can choose to fight against the waves and maybe take on some water and some trouble along the way My granny always uses the saying “Is this the hill you want to die on?” be prepared to fight if you feel it is. This saying of grannies put into perspective what is important for me. There are very few things I would die to prove. I enjoy seeing other people’s points of view and thoughts. I know my way isn’t the only way or the right way it’s just another way of doing something.  Having conversations leads to great outcomes. I like to lead the way and be the one who discovers how to do something but just because I did it one way doesn’t mean you can’t do it another. What works for one person may not always work for the next. I realized as I watched Jes get to shore alongside me using a completely different method including some impressive spins but we both made it. Life isn’t about who makes it to the finish line the fastest it’s about enjoying the journey. Tackling the day’s waves with laughter and great company.

These last two months slowing down the pace of life and realizing where I am supposed to be and filling my days with passion have taught me so much. I am thankful for each one of my adventures, my tribe of amazing people, and the opportunities that have come my way.

Start each day with a grateful heart and let the waves take you with the flow to where you’re supposed to be. Remember to listen when other people talk and a conversation takes two people with equal amounts of talking. If you disagree think is this the hill I want to die on? As someone who used to be always right it not worth it. Stop and listen you could learn a lot.

 

As I walked here alone along the beach next to the Atlantic Ocean last week I captured this gorgeous sunset. I was alone at the beach walking for hours and hours trying to see the sunset from all angles. The brilliant colors that danced in the sky which reflected off the beach, every time you turned it appeared to be even prettier as it moved down the beach.  I was also hoping to catch a glimpse of the supermoon that was supposed to be in view yet it remained hidden behind dense clouds. For hours I walked up and down the beach my heart so full of love. My mind wandered to what a hectic week it had been. I was excited to be soon going home. To unpack my suitcase and greet the pets. Vacation is always an experience but there is no place like home.

I spent as much time every day as I could right close to the ocean listening to the waves wash up on the shore. This will forever be my favorite sound. I even braved getting into the ocean with my son something I rarely do. I got thrown and taken out by a few giant waves. The waves don’t wait for anyone many of us got thrown around before we made it out to the point you could flow with the waves. I forgot how big the waves are and how hard the riptide can be. Just swimming for a short time exhausted me. I caught a great tan and even read a couple of books but I was struggling on this trip for a variety of reasons. This sunset and a moment alone is just what I needed. As I looked back and saw my footprints in the sand it got me thinking about what is the footprint of my life that I want to leave behind? I want to share my passion and my lessons with the world. I felt more compelled to write than I ever had. This is when I took this picture to capture the feeling I was having. To remember this moment in time for the rest of my life.

I sat on the beach in a spot that was empty no one near me, it was near dark at this point and I just started writing about whatever came to my mind. Ocean waves and writing have a way of clearing my mind. I needed to find some clarity. I have so many things that have happened lately that have sucked out all my positive energy I admit I was feeling drained and I knew I wanted to change that feeling so I wrote and I cried. Not because I was sad my life is always changing and I am grateful for the path I am on and all the things I am learning. I cried because as I wrote I had so much to be thankful for. I used to write all the things that were bothering me and flow all the negativity which usually just left me feeling sadder.  As I sat and stared at this list I was so grateful for so many people in my life. I have such a tribe of great people surrounding me. I am always changing and finding new ways to work through things. Life is about always learning and changing the way you look at things. Thank you to all those I reached out to lately needing to hear your words of wisdom. For the phone calls shared, the messages shared, the tea, and the wine and snacks I am grateful for each and every one of you. Remind yourself daily what you’re grateful for. Having a grateful heart moves your day in a positive way.